Day 8

     I've been well. Still overwhelmed trying to figure how I fit into this entire picture, but hopeful.

     I've been job searching almost everyday since we've gotten here, and I think it's by far been the hardest thing for me. Well,  now I don't think it was that hard, but looking back it did require a lot of persistence and perseverance. I think myself, and others included, have been to over 40 places to see if they were hiring. A lot. Many were lost causes and gave us false hope. Although even with those no's, I think it was harder seeing other people get jobs before us and rejoicing in their victory. Don't get me wrong, I'm incredibly happy for them especially because I know how hard it can be, but with that in mind those without jobs begin to feel as if there's a greater time pressure on us. 

     I did get a job though. It's a glorious job at the local Bed Bath and Beyond. And when I say glorious I mean it in it's entirety. I feel so so blessed to have gotten the opportunity, and I'll be working with a few friends I've made, Jenny and Tim, which will make the job even better. I've never felt so happy to be hired. PRAISE THE LORD.

     I've been standing in the background a bit. Coming here I expected to be a social butterfly, but ended up being more of a wallflower. I don't mind it. If anything I feel comfortable, but I still have that feeling inside of me telling me to take more advantage of the time and people here. I know I will, but it'll be in a timely fashion. I think that the time I've been spending alone or one on one with others have been in hopes of figuring out myself better. I brought heavy baggage here, and I'm trying to unload it with solitude and intimacy. Solitude as in time with myself and God, and intimacy with others who I feel can speak truth into my life. 

     I'm praying and praying for my experience here to be fruitful. I know the beginning isn't what I anticipated, which is why I seem to think I'm having a harder time adjusting. But I know God moves in glorious ways so I have faith. 

   

Technically Day 2

For my friends, family, and those interested in my life.

     We got here yesterday around 5, and it was quite overwhelming. There were so many people I didn't know, a great number of unknown facts, and confusion that I was fairly stressed out inside. To say the least my first impression was absolute chaos. I was tired, even though all I did was sit in a car for the day, and I didn't know what to do once I got there. 

     It wasn't a terrible experience like I'm describing. I simply was, and still slightly am, overwhelmed as well as mixed with worry about the rest of support I have to raise, and also finding a job. Finding a job is hard. Today I spent a good few hours with some friends trying to find places that are hiring; not much prevailed. But I'm still hopeful. 

     I think my favorite thing so far has been meeting new people; especially those of my action group. An action group is similar to a small group by the way. There's Christine who I already know, and then three other girls including our group leader. I really like all of them, and they're such sweet, nice girls I feel lucky to have them in our group. Although besides those girls I've also met those living in my apartment and they've been pretty welcoming towards me. This morning we all got to eat breakfast together, the six of us, and it felt nice. Something about making and eating breakfast together, is so comforting and warm. 

     I'll update more as time goes on. I'm trying not to let these updates, in whatever medium posted, to take much time out of my experience here. Also the creative process seems to take ages for me to finally be satisfied with my work. 

     Pray for me. The long period here makes me miss home more than usual. 

"You Can't."

     You can interpret words and construe them into what you want to hear. It's similar to the idea of selective listening, but in this case some interpretation is required.

     I'd like to say that in my life I've had a good handful of supportive people who's guided me through tough times, encouraged me when I thought I was reaching too high, and assured me that I would be succeed. Those people I thank. Maybe not verbally and personally as I should've, but in my mind they hold high value due to the role they played; even when I didn't know I necessarily needed them at the time. 

     There are also a handful of people who didn't believe in me. Maybe it wasn't explicit, but it was implied. This is where the idea of interpretation, which I mentioned earlier, comes into play. Quite frankly, people don't need to be brutally honest for you to know they don't believe in you. The simplest moment of silence, or less than a second micro expression will show you what they really think of your ambition. People lie through their teeth, and that's why nonverbal cues are incredibly important when it comes to this. That is if you notice them at all. 

     I wouldn't say that these explicit or hidden messages, that spell out lack of faith, bother me personally per say. People will believe what they believe without knowing much and judge quickly. Others will know a lot and still undermine you, coming up with their own opinion. All of which is formed through their personal collection of values and perspectives gathered over time and experience. People differ. Although what I believe actually hurts us the most, maybe not all but many, is being perceived as a fool or naive in the eyes of someone who means more to us than the average human being. 

     Family, friends. Those are usually the ones that come to mind. And it hurts like hell like the song "Even When It Hurts" (Hillsong United) may say. It hurts because we have a grand expectation for them to possess big, aspiring hopes for us, and especially support us. Maybe this idea is highly commercialized, but our friends and family are "supposed to believe in us!" Sadly this isn't always true. 

     There have been many people who have told me to be realistic. Although the word realistic is relative, or if one (me) could even say novel, to each human being on this planet. Being realistic is also quite frankly being naive in someways rather than smart. And because of this, I indeed find it humorous how some use the word "naive" to combat ambition and risks, when if fact they are being naive themselves. True naivety is disregarding good opportunities and ways of stretching yourself. Even God desires us to take a leaps of faith for Him in hopes of spiritual growth. Something I attempt my best at.

     Being told "you're not going to make it," or "it's unlikely" is only spoken by someone who truly doesn't believe in you. Well that's also not true. People lie all the time. Yes I like to contradict myself for emphasis; although this oftentimes leads to confusion. Anyways, we tend to believe in this truth because why would someone lie and put these thoughts into my head? To hurt me? Of course not. If so, cognitive dissonance would take place, and that's when you start questioning the entire human existence. Therefore the proper realization doesn't enter our minds, and so we process everything heard as truth; truth to the one who said it that is. And the "truth" that is spoken is essentially "No." Here is what I have to say about that: People will discredit and push doubt into your head for many reasons. In terms of those people I mentioned earlier that lie through their teeth, they may really think you're incapable; or they may not want you to succeed. Their reasoning is only known to them. Family and friends. That one's hard, because they hold your respect and love. So you rationalize that they discredit your potential due to reasons of care or protection. Those are good intentions, and I'm not saying disregard those possible reasons, but...

     We, you, I deserve to strive. Higher than we can see, and bigger than we can imagine. Even with my summer mission trip, coming up in a few days, I've been told to plan for failure. To figure out how I'm going to get back early, because I haven't met my support amount yet. To speak as if I'm not going to make it. Sadly those words came out of mouths that were a part of people I dearly care for. And it's not that I twisted these words to possibly insinuate blame on another or become a victim. It's because, like I've been saying this whole time, it doesn't take an expert to witness someone saying "you can't." It infuriates me. But what I realized is that sacrificing time to ponder only stirs up dark, derailing thoughts in my own head. A lot.

     We can all blame someone's disbelief for our own possible shortcomings, but in the end those are just words. And "possible" is another relative term, simply due to the existence of God. Like we all have heard, with Him all things are possible (truth). There's no sense in weighing the pros and cons and trying to figure out what's most likely going to occur. But now I'm going on another tangent. so here's my full circle: Your real dictation of failure will not come at the precise moment you believe words of denial as truth, as you presumably expected me to say. It's not the underling "you can'ts," blatant remarks, or unwanted protection from family and friends that will declare your defeat. True foolish and naive defeat comes at the moment you deny God's potential, not your own.