More Descriptions.

     I can tell that you have a lot going on in your life. It almost seems unfair to me, because what you're going through has this detrimental effect on yourself and the people around you. But you're the one who's causing the problem. I will never understand what it is that keeps you from simply letting go of your past. There's obvious potential and you're made to be someone important, someone better than you are now; I just don't think you realize it yet. Despite that, you're a great friend and sometimes I get mad at myself for not being there for you as often. It's so evident that you care, and once you create a relationship with someone you sacrifice your whole self for them. That's something that I absolutely admire and love about you. When I need you you're there, and you somehow know how to make me feel better with just your presence. It's weird and hard to explain, but you seem to care about me just as much as I care about you. For that I can't appreciate it enough, because it's been awhile since I've had someone like that in my life. I just hope you help yourself and realize you were destined to be great sooner rather than later. Later may leave you with a lot more pain that you anticipated.

     I have grown to admire you more and more as I get to know you, but at the same time I have learned about the real you. You're caring and loving and I like that a lot. There's a bit of a lighter mood when I'm around you, except that only happens because you're trying to hide the sadness that's constantly inside. I know that, because I used to do it too. You put on a face for others so that they think you're okay, when in fact you're not. There's been many things that have come your way. I know that you're capable of facing them on their own occurrences, but for some unfortunate reason they all came at you at once. This completely changed you. They say some things get better with time, but for some reason with you, things haven't really changed despite you say they have. Maybe the way you appear is different, but your thoughts remain still. I just hope that as time goes on you realize that people are here to help and listen. Especially that one person who always been there, despite that fact you're progressively losing them with time.

     You're there but not there. I don't know why, but it seems like you're in my life yet a total stranger at times. I guess you've just got your own thing going on. For the longest time I really used to look up to you, but for a certain period I was disappointed. You've misused some people and consistently make these mistakes of hurting others feelings, yet you have no idea. That happens because your head clouds your judgement. Despite this, I know you have good intentions and a caring heart. I'd have to say that you're always alert to others needs and do much for them by sacrificing yourself. That's something that I have to thank you for. From your actions, you've taught me what it's like to be selfless.

     Aesthetically, I find you pleasing. I don't think many people have told you this, and I don't think you know, but you really are. You're personality is something different than anyone I've come across in my life. This reason is because there seems to be a split. At times you are very caring and loving towards others, while other times you can act a bit unreasonable and compulsive. I can tell this happens, because the person you were in the past and the person you want to be now is acting against each other. Oftentimes one becomes more apparent than the other; sometimes its the bad side and sometimes it's the good. For this reason, I can't tell how you view me. I admire when you show that you care and value our friendship, but other times I'm left in the dark. That's why I can't see if you actually like me or not. Especially when it comes to things like jealousy or attention.

   

     

Attention Seekers

     As I watch the people around me, whether they're friends or strangers, it's really easy to point out the attention seekers. I guess in reality almost everyone is an attention seeker. We want people to notice us so we feel worthy, heard, or accepted, but not everyone asks for this in the exact same way. There are different types of people. Some like to ask for attention in an obvious manner while others discretely bring attention upon themselves in order to hopefully get a response. So what I've done is consider the amount of attention needed or asked by a person, and what they do to get it, to come up with 3 distinguished groups accordingly: askers, wanters, and watchers. 

     The askers are your obvious "please pay attention to me" kind of people. They may achieve this by showing themselves off or grabbing people's attention in a way they can't be ignored. They are the definition of the center of attention. Personally, this isn't me at all. Sometimes I find it hard to make theses people sound good, because they seem self centered. As true as that can be sometimes, it's not a definite characteristic of askers but a popular one. And for the record, nothing is wrong with being an asker or any one of these. I guess it just all comes down to motive which is something only we would know inside. Just like there's nothing wrong with being an introvert, extrovert, or a mix there's nothing wrong with being as asker. I felt like this needed to be said because askers have bad reps. Anyways, askers get their high from other people focusing and showing interest in them. If someone else is in their spotlight, then they usually resort to silence or competition. They can either accept that someone else is more interesting than them at the time, or they can try to get the light back on them. Either way, they get what they want, because when you're quiet someone is bound to ask you what's wrong, and if you're loud then people start diverging their attention back to you. It's like a foolproof game plan; they win either way. Except like I said before they still have other defining characteristics which are far greater, but in order to get along with them you have to be the type of person who doesn't care about the spotlight.

     Wanters. These people are the indirect, discreet ones. They oftentimes like to bring up certain things about themselves which may be unique or interesting so that others may ask about it or recognize it. They're the "yeah look at me, and ask me questions about my interesting life" types of people. They're not intentionally trying to get everyone to pay attention, but secretly hoping someone does. As their name says it, they want attention but don't necessarily ask for it. To most people, who aren't as hyper-observive, wanters seem like they're acting normal but I can tell otherwise. I also know for sure because I've been a wanter myself. Wanters greatly rely on their unique or original tendencies. They may make a statement with their style, quirks, or perception of the world that it not very popular/ "mainstream." This thus raises questions or reactions from other people because wanters are different. Their divergence from society, but not all the time, is something that is worth a double take. For me, I find wanters very smart and sly. Their way of attention seeking is effortless and almost natural, and they get exactly what they want.

     Lastly are the watchers. Watchers are the ones who either don't really care about the attention on themselves or don't get it. They find their contentment mostly with other watchers and frequently wanters as well. When it comes to askers, they don't really enjoy themselves as much. It's not because they want the attention on them, but they feel as if they can't enjoy themselves without an equal distribution of attention. Most of the time the reason why watchers don't care about attention is because they have interests in other areas. They have prioritized other things in their life, such as hobbies or sports, and deemed them more important. While this is true, watchers also don't get the attention most of the time too. In this case, watchers are either overpowered by other attention seekers or they're overlooked. Although this sounds unfortunate, watchers are oftentimes looked up to for their disregard to attention overall. But while many watchers may claim to always be watchers, sometimes they have a tendency to trek into wanter territory. So occasionally, not always, they will talk about themselves to raise interest. 

Two Years

     You know, you never really anticipate or think that you'll ever stop being best friends with your best friends, but it happens. Today's the two year friendiversary of Genesis, D'Erika, and I. Initially I wasn't going to write a post, but I thought why not document this day? So I know this introduction is a bit on the solemn side, but it's true; you don't think that you'll one day stop being close with the people who you seem inseparable with. That's what happened with the three of us. We kind of went our separate ways; some the same others not so much. But don't worry, this isn't a depressing story about how sad life is now, it's actually the opposite. I wanted to write because I have so much to thank for these two people.

  

     I always struggled making close friends and friends in general, because I used to be shy and very conscious about how I presented myself to others. I never got to act like my "real" self, first of all because I was never comfortable enough with people and second of all because I thought no one would really get my humor, but Genesis and D'Erika did. I think the reason why we all got along so well was because we had this hidden, outgoing part of us that was best brought out by each other. I can say that at least for me, because the time when we were friends is when my extroversion peaked dramatically. That's one thing I really thank them for. I was always afraid of acting like myself, but they encouraged and reciprocated it. You don't know how awesome it is when people simply understand you. You have these moments of pure, ridiculous happiness that you can't find with anyone else and it's freaking awesome. 

     There were so many great memories made with these two. I mean they were, for me, my first real best friends. We made up nonsense inside jokes like JHACNM, and created nicknames for everyone that no one knew except for us. I know it annoyed many people, but I loved it. I loved having that annoying and typical, but special relationship with my friends. Gosh, so many cool things happened while we were close. DC biking trips, multiple sleepovers, Jonas Brother concerts, sweet sixteens, and a heck of a lot more. I can honestly say that those are some of my fondest memories, because all I remember then is feeling carefree joy all the time. Thinking about it now, yeah it sucks things aren't the way they used to be, but you learn to accept it. There's a reason why certain people diverge and others converge. By us dividing, another person was able to make a new best friend, and that itself makes me feel good. Because you can't force friendship, it comes naturally. So I can't be upset that the three of us aren't JHACNM anymore. All I can do is look back and remember all the good times we shared. The bonding we experienced and growing we did together, especially spiritually, is something amazing. Cause if you think about it, if we didn't have each other during that time it would change everything. We would be completely different and I can't imagine that happening, because I love the people we have turned out to be today. 

     Thanks again Gene and D, happy two year friendiversary. Love you guys. 

One Year

     I had a feeling it was about a year since my first blog post, and I was right. It's been exactly one year. I honestly started this blog one night, on the 23rd of February, because all the youtubers have awesome blogs that people actually read. I didn't really start it because I believed it would somehow benefit myself or the reader, but just because it'd be cool and make me seem cool too. But as time went on, the reason why I kept writing changed. I've realized the reason why I write, and why this blog is seemingly so important to me is because there is no better and easier way for me to express my feelings and thoughts. I have so much trouble saying what's on my mind or how I feel, and yes it's a problem that I'm trying to fix, but this blog is a temporary solution to my problem. Everything that I've ever written is either something that has struck my heart, or an indirect message to a particular audience. It doesn't really matter if no one or everyone I know reads each post, because they're not really intended to know if it's about them. But if they figure it out then congrats, because I twist and change things in what I write so that it's pretty difficult to even get a tell into what I'm really saying.

     I don't deny that I've used this blog to personally let out my anger or bitterness towards people, situations, or anything like that. Except my goal isn't to directly insult people on the internet, but sometimes all I can do is write about it. You know what I mean? There are just some situations that may bother the heck out of you or other times you may not be the biggest fan of someone for the dumbest reason alive. Those are the times where you can't really talk to anyone because then people would think you're petty and shallow. And doing this gets me in trouble sometimes. People have assumed that what I've written is about them, but there is absolutely no proof in the writing unless explicitly stated. I have made it so that what I write is very vague and hard to pin point to one person or situation. I do this because my intention isn't to prove a point, but to simply express my thoughts. For those who think what I've written is about them and get offended, I apologize, but it's only because you see yourself in what I've typed and don't like it.

     It's hard to prove that my blog isn't just for ranting and venting about my typical teenage life, because most of the time that's what it consists of. Frequently my personal problems make an appearance here, but I also try to incorporate the good things in my life and also my faith. I like to document amazing memories such as prom, Miguels baptism, or the All American Rejects concert that I went to with my friends. All the moments that I would never want to forget. That way I'm able to look back, relive those good times and reminisce. It's so easy to forget what we even ate for breakfast yesterday, that there is no way I want to forget or even have a fuzzy recollection of these events. And our memory is so limited that there is no better way to preserve it than to write about it...But other than good times, I also like to share my faith on this blog. Sometimes it's a cool conversation I had with my friend on the bus about Jesus, and other times it's a compulsion from God to write about something new I learned in the Bible that shook me. I don't do it because it makes me look like I'm a super Christian that reads the Bible all the time, but it's for the publicity. Making your faith public can make an impression on other people. Maybe people aren't completely convinced with just one post I write, but it gets them thinking. At least some Jesus is being put in front of them. Who knows, maybe what I write can make them open up a Bible? And that maybe makes it worth it.

     So this is why I write: to help myself and also hopefully help others. Yes, I may say things that may seem dramatic or bitter but that's a part of helping myself. I need to get those things out somehow. Just like normal people vent to others about their problems, I do that too except on the internet. When you vent you don't have intentions of hurting anyone and your words have no realistic meaning to them, you just simply want to be heard. So I don't really care what other people may "assume" from my words, because all I know is what I write and my intentions when doing so. People can like that or not. And if they don't then they have a choice to not read my blog simple as that... But ultimately I hope that anyone who reads my blog will gain something out of it, because that would actually give it so much more meaning that a 17 year old talking about her ex-boyfriend.

The Bus Ride Conversation

     Sometimes I ride the bus home after school. Usually I go home with D'Erika but occasionally I don't.

     You know those times where you get really caught up with what you want or what's stressing you out? That's what life's been like for me for a while. I tried my best to ignore the things that were bothering me, or the things that I really wished I had, whether that be materialistic or intangible, but at one point everything that I tried to block out was coming at me at once. So I kept thinking about what I didn't have, or felt sorry for myself because I deserved it, except that was pathetic. Because spending so much time thinking about what I wanted, left no time to even have a 5 minute conversation with God.

     It makes me mad how easy it is for me to question God for the things I don't have. And it's not always a shiny car, or expensive dress, sometimes I want things like attention or recognition. Nonetheless things that come from my prideful, and greedy self. I think, why is this not working out for me? I ask questions, when I already know the answer to them. The reason why it feels like God is taking so much away, or not giving enough is because I'm not invested in him to begin with. It makes sense doesn't it? I only pray when I want something from God, and expect that he will give it to me simply because I took 1 minute to talk to him. But why would he give to such an undeserving person? I'm not saying that God is a cruel one, but he's one that wants my attention, our attention. So to do that sometimes he needs to make us feel a bit empty. I didn't really realize how screwed up my thought process was. It had gotten to that point. But after moping around and being sad about my current situation, I decided to open up a book that my youth leader Tracy gave me. It was a book that answers questions many non believers have. And what a coincidence that the first chapter talked about trials God uses to bring us back to him.

     So back to the bus ride, normally I don't ride it but on this particular day I did. I sat with my friend Dawon, and the first half of the ride I was venting about my feelings. It felt great and Dawon's awesome because shes listens and tries to help me out. But what's more amazing is that both of us had recently felt like we were lacking in our faith. I started to read my Bible more often a couple of days ago, and it has been going well. But after talking to Dawon I have this greater motivation and realization that Jesus is all I need right now. Despite everything that's going on in my head, the one thing that I really needed was God back into my life. Dawon told me to remember to follow Jesus and he will give me the desires of my heart. It's funny because I had completely forgotten about that verse, but it's exactly what I needed to hear. So I guess you could say I'm glad that I rode the bus home today.

What I've Learned: A New Year

     2014 consisted of a lot of drama. Whether it included me or not, there was a lot. I've learned that there are some friends who you aren't going to be close with forever, people can change, and you can't always expect things to go your way. But I've made my peace with that and I accept it. Despite all of the things I've witnessed and gone through, I think that all it has done is help me learn from my mistakes and understand myself better. But most importantly I think I understand my friends and peers better too. Now I know who has what motives, how to tailor my actions around certain people, and also who I should keep closer than others. It was a year where I learned who my real friends are. As solemn as that sounds I think we've all learned that this year.

     I've grown a lot during 2014 too. I admit I used to be really bad at controlling my anger with other people but I've grown to be the bigger person in many situations. I'm not trying to brag, but I think that this year I have gotten a better grasp on what it means to let go of my pride. I used to think that if I was wronged I was entitled to some justice or apology, but now I don't expect anything from people. It's not in a "I'm better than you" way, but sometimes people will just disappoint you and I've learned to accept that. And when people do something to hurt me, I try my best to deal with it myself. I know that kind of sounds bad, because you should express your feelings, but I think that if I can deal with a problem on my own I'm simply preparing myself for the real world. Cause honestly, in the real world people can be cold and won't care about what you think.  Except sometimes it makes me feel like I've been walked all over by people, because I choose not to make a big deal out of things. But I still get some sort of satisfaction from being the bigger person, and that's what keeps me going. But it's taken me this whole year to get to that point.

     The people who care about you are the people who deserve your love. There were many situations where me or someone I know, has put all of their time and care into a person when in fact they didn't deserve it in the first place. Whether it's platonic or not, there needs to be some sort of mutual exchange of time and effort put in a relationship. Except sometimes there's more from one person. And I used to think that it's okay to give more than you receive, but when it comes to friendships and relationships there shouldn't be any exceptions. Because if someone really cares about you they would make it apparent. When it comes to friends, they should be open to helping you through the crap you go through, or take the time to thank you every so often for doing so. When it comes to relationships, the other person should love and care for you just as much as you do for them, and it shouldn't have to be a mystery to figure it out. I've come to the realization that it's not okay giving more than you get, because you're just wasting the love you could have been spending well on a person who will reciprocate it back. We try to settle, but I think that there are certain people who you consider friends or maybe even more than that, that will come through to you and understand you. Now those are the people you should invest in. Because the people who matter will care.

     I love my friends. Of course we've all had our rough patches, but I thank God for letting me meet all of them. I especially thank the friends who have helped me get through tough times and who's never failed to make me laugh. This year I've grown closer to people I never thought I would have otherwise. I can honestly say it's something special having a group of friends you're so comfortable with that you can hang out whenever you want. It's like we're the 2014 version of That 70's Show where Austin's basement is Eric Forman's basement. We always hangout there and I love it. I'm pretty sure I'm there at least twice a week. It sounds cliche I know, but I don't know what I'd do without my friends. We've all had so many good memories together it's crazy. My favorite was probably the last day of summer when we to the pool. I don't even know why, but I had the best time of my entire life. We all went swimming and joked around with each other it was pure bliss. You know those moments you don't ever want to forget? That's one of them. I know that that memory will live long. Every one of my friends are such a huge part of my life and I can't imagine being happy without them in it. I would do anything for you guys I hope you know that. Thanks for being good to me this year. 

     It's been hard to understand how relationships work, but I've noticed that certain people are put into your life, or taken out, for a specific reason. Whether it's to teach them a lesson or you a lesson, there is a reason why people are only temporarily in your life. As for boys I think that Will was put into my life so that I could expose him to any bit of Jesus I could. Although I know that now he may not find it convincing, I'm still so happy I got to tell him about the Bible and what a relationship with God is all about. I am thankful for the short time I had with him because it was fun and I got to do something meaningful with it. But again, it was temporary and I think the main reason why he was put into my life was simply because of my faith. But I still thank Will for the good ride because it really was an awesome one at that. A person who was actually temporarily taken out of my life is Genesis. We fought over a boy and it was the dumbest thing thinking about it now. I think that Genesis was temporarily taken out, so that I can learn a lesson from the conflict we had with each other. I learned that friends last a lot longer that boys and they're more meaningful. There were so many times where I felt so stupid over how dramatic I reacted when all she did was like a boy. I mean who was I to stop her from being happy? And honestly I missed Gene so much at times it sucked. There were things that she just got about me which I appreciated a lot. So I ended this year by apologizing to her for any pain I may have been responsible for, because I had no right to do what I did and I should be happy for my friends instead of being selfish. I can't imagine being the intentional cause of pain in my friends. It's not me anymore. And it's great because she apologized too. 

     Overall I think this was the year where I got to find myself and know who I want to be known I as. I don't want to be the someone who makes a big deal out of little situations or is petty, or the person who is boring and simple. I want to be known for my good character and reflection of Jesus. I still plan to be as weird and awkward as I am cause honestly I don't care anymore. I just expect my friends to deal with me cause I know they will, and for those who'll make fun of me so be it. I'm going to be the bestest friend I can be to the few people in my life who matter the most. Everyone else are simply fillers in my world. Cheers 2014. 

     

     

      

     

Yellow Card

     This is some version of my college essay. I think that it may sound a bit cliche and dramatic but that's what these essays are about. You have to follow a certain, unwritten rubric but also sound original. I mean if I have to do that to get into college I'll do it. Here you go. Enjoy this important story of mine that I wrote in college essay tone. 

     A word could not define me before she introduced me to this place. Each day passed without me knowing where I fit in. It was sophomore year and I did everything a normal highschooler would. I desperately tried to gain acceptance from my peers, please my parents with exceptional grades, and look like every other girl in the school. Everyone, including myself, attempted to figure themselves out in hopes of succeeding and obtaining even the tiniest tell into what their future might look like. Except I tried to be like everyone else because that is what I thought was the right thing to do. Actually it was the only thing I knew how to do. 

     Confusion and conformity describes myself from middle school up to sophomore year. Except my junior year things changed. September came and I met this person who changed my life in many ways that I never expected. We knew of each other but only because of mutual friends. Coincidentally we had all but two classes together that year. So in English class, when we got seated next to each other I learned a lot about her. She was different. She acquired that passion and singularity that I and seemingly everyone else I knew lacked. At first I thought that that she had been another friend I made out of convenience, but I realized that was not why I met her. I met her for a completely different reason and it all started with a yellow card she gave me. It had the address, time, and place printed on it. She even wrote her number, offering me a ride if I needed one. 

     She invited me to a church. I probably passed by it a million times and had no idea that it even existed. Little did I know that that building and the people inside of it would become a huge part of my life. After going for a while, something changed about me. I no longer conformed to the other high schoolers because I did not have to anymore. I found my passion in Christianity. Some people find their fire in sports,education, or music, but mine was found in a relationship with God. Despite my conformity, I still knew what I liked and did not like in life. Except when I went to church I finally got to understand what I loved. So I molded myself into my passion. I went to church religiously, I never missed my youth group service, and I took the time to know the people that shared the same love as me. I got to know the right place and the right people I could be myself around. I found my identifier, and was no longer a product of the place I called high school but the product of my own passion. All thanks to a girl who handed me a yellow card in English class.