Humility

"Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn, and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up."

(James 4: 8-10 NIV) 

     It's been heart aching. 

     I don't think that I've ever felt so alone, or felt so broken. It's scary. My insecurities are constantly on my mind. I'm crying out to God "please help me!," or "I need you;" but am I doing it because I know I am a sinner? Or because I want the pain to go away? 

     It's because my life was good. Too good to the point where I forgot what it meant to be humble. I knew what it was like to have all that I wanted, and so I became full of it. I had many friends, a good reputation, pleasing grades, and of all things a boyfriend(!). My confidence went up because I "had it all together." Maybe I didn't show it outwardly, but on the inside my heart was full of pride; and no appreciation was rightfully given to Him. 

     It's been a painful past couple of weeks to say the least. Frequently I found myself feeling quite small and empty. I would wake up feeling anxious and worried for no reason. Other times I was crying, because I couldn't help how I felt. My heart had never hurt so much-  I didn't tell anyone either. Not my close friends, family, or boyfriend. To me, this was between myself and my trust in God. Was He going to provide? How much did I trust in Him? Not enough... So I did everything I could think of to relieve my suffering. I found myself reading the Bible daily, constantly looking for answers. I listened to music hoping it would open my heart to Him. I journaled, praying I would finally understand the pain I was feeling. Not much prevailed. I fooled myself into thinking that those things worked, because I so desperately wanted them to. 

     The answers weren't where I wanted them to be. If they were, then reading the Bible, worshiping, and praying would be self serving; a means for our own gain. Except those acts aren't meant to ease our own pain, but to glorify Him. I feel guilty using those beautiful means to satisfy my own desires. 

     I've learned what it is to love the Lord in humility; or at least I like to believe so. When our own struggles seem too big, and we're desperately asking God for peace, it should be with a sincere heart; acknowledging our brokenness and humbling ourselves before Him in hopes of being lifted up. It's about submitting ourselves. I thought begging for contentment was what it took. If I pray, then God will answer me right? Yes and no. When we ask with wrong motives we don't receive, because we are hoping to spend it on our own pleasures (James 5:3). That's exactly what I was trying to do. And it's not that God was trying to keep me in a state of loneliness, but reveal to me what it really means to be broken and on my knees, calling on Him wholeheartedly. 

Disconnection

     The way you tell me to simply listen and not respond is something that will always test my patience. I desire so much to express what is my defense, but it's bias courtroom; and if words start to spill out of my mouth I'm sentenced. Dramatic comparison? Yeah I think so too.

     I've always longed to communicate my thoughts into words about how the years have made me felt. Frequently I was ignored. Maybe it was due to the craziness which is our lives, or it was simply your diminishing interest in my life. When it came to that I was reasonable, but things never really changed. You know there's a certain numbness that comes with consistency. Over time you grow callouses, which aren't able to remember what created itself in the first place. Unfortunate. 

     In the midst of the disconnection which is our relationship, I still remained understanding. That act became a callous too; frequently finding reasons why you or your acts were rational. Although I still believe you always were, because I see through your tough shell. The identity which desperately desires to be proud and successful. I always do appreciate your effort, although it may not prevail. 

     Sometimes I want to yell, and other times remain distant; but there's conviction that comes from God. For some reason I can't stay mad for more than an hour or so, because over the years He's shown me the gift of forgiveness and the contentment that comes with it.- 

     

1/11/16: A Great Goodbye

National Pencil

FRESH seafood 

It was a great day filled with nostalgia,

Renwick

traveling, and amazing seafood. I hadn't seen D'Erika for a week or so, because she went to Buffalo and Pennsylvania like a spontaneous hooligan. It was slightly bitter, but I always liked the way we understood that both of us had grown to make different friends, and have plans that don't always include each other. So as she went about her trip, I stayed home and met with friends/ did my own thing.- But yesterday was amazing. We decided to start her last day early, and spend it together till she had to leave for the airport. It didn't seem like D' had left at all, and things were the way it used to be. It was nice living in the past for a day. But even though I say that, I've also noticed how the both of us have matured and changed. Of course there are still some quirks about each other that remain, but there are also new additions. In D'Erika I see more seriousness and drive, which I think is simply God immensely working in her at college. That place seems to suit her perfectly... Anyways, I always thank God for bringing D' into my life a few years ago. Ever since then I can really see the love that is God, because D' resembled that. We're all created in the image of Him, and so we should always strive to maintain that resemblance wherever we go right? Yes; and that's what I saw in D'Erika. People teach you a lot, and I learned a lot from her. From crazy sleepovers, teenage heartbreaks, and burping in each others ears, one thing I'll always appreciate the most is how much she helped me grow in my faith. Yeah you'll always find more friends in life who'll be good company, but not many will help you mature in the most important way there is. 

Thanks again, and love you

1/2/16: Hiking

     One night I mentioned to Vincent that I wanted to go hiking and he took me up on it; he's like that. Vincent's really good at keeping tabs on what I say sometimes; I'm frequently surprised by him because of it. But anyways, he came up with the great idea to go hiking somewhere an hour or so away, and eat lunch on the top. He packed lunch for us and even made some hot chocolate which he kept in themos'. Dang those things really do work.

     The drive was going to be a while so I came up with a playlist. I named it cold climbing which was exactly what the hike was like once we got there. That playlist is by far my favorite one yet, because I found so many GREAT throwback songs and new recent ones. Also thanks Juliet for some of the songs. I remember a while ago I looked at a couple of your playlists on Spotify, and they were a great inspiration for that playlist. Don't know if  I've told you yet, but you've probably got the best taste of music out of everyone I know - So the drive there Vincent and I collectively shared some stories about our friends and family, made jokes, and listened to this glorious playlist.

     Honestly the climb up was pretty sucky for me. For some reason in my head I remembered hiking to be a mild task, but that day is wasn't. I couldn't really breathe like a normal person and kept stopping. It was pretty embarrassing, but sharing my fails wasn't that bad because I was still having fun talking to Vincent. Even after that experience I'd actually still love to go hiking again, because the view was absolutely breathtaking. That's the real reason I find hiking appealing; there's always something to admire, and the effort is worth it once you get to the top.

     On the top we ate lunch and drank some hot chocolate over nice conversations ranging from our friends, prayer requests, and resolutions; all good topics. Then we progressively made our way down to where our car was, and tried to look for some other places to venture off to. Or as Vincent would call them: "nooks and crannies." He likes to think of himself as an old man, and at that moment he reaffirmed himself. I found it absolutely hilarious.

     We actually did find a really nice spot with a rock that peaked off the edge a little bit. We were able to dangle our feet and enjoy the view. It was still cold, but not too bad to where it was unbearable. The both of us carried on with our conversations, and I asked him what dessert he would be if he could be one. He answered with coconut creme pie. It's pretty ironic cause he doesn't even like coconut! But apparently he had some pie a while ago and it was really really good. He also doesn't like pickles, twizzlers, and salt and vinegar chips; the holy of all food. I still don't know how we get along with that but it works out somehow.

     Later on we drove back and talked in the car for a while once we got home. Our nights always seem to end in late night car talk which I honestly love. I think I learn the most during them. That was the best one yet. Jamming to Christian music while talking about fun things we could do next time was a highlight; among other things too-

   

A New Trend

     I used to blog more about events that I shared with my friends and family and I miss that. Nowadays I seem to only write about random deep thoughts that favor my liking, and I deem worthy enough to talk about on this blog. But now that seems exclusive, and I should "broaden my horizons right?" Of course. So from now on I'm sure to include a little more about my memories rather than just my opinions. 

     Happy 2016 and God bless, 

Slightly Different

     "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?"

2 Corinthians 6:14

     It's a pretty straightforward verse I'd say. "Don't be yoked with unbelievers." This doesn't necessarily mean not to associate yourself at all with unbelievers, because we are called to reach out to people who are without God. With that being said, to me this is talking about relationships... romantic ones especially. 

     Recently I had a friend who told me that their significant other whom they're dating is not really a Christian. They have a background of some religion, but that doesn't apply now. That worries me... Before I start this controversial and dangerous conversation with myself on this computer, I'm sorry if you're reading this__________. I hope you see where I come from... 

     What sets us apart from other people of this world? As Christians we are supposed to be different in hopes that God's grace shines through us. Realistically you can create yourself to be exactly like anyone in this world, but imitating God is something that requires pure humility and effort. If Christians were relatively similar to everyone else, the outstanding importance of spreading the word would be a meaningless task. Do you understand what I'm saying? In simpler terms, being a servant of God requires you to be a mirror of Jesus which is determined to set you apart from everyone else.... And everyone else are the nonbelievers. 

     So like the verse may ask, why be yoked with unbelievers? They're the dark and we're the light. Of course there seems to be a negative connotation attached with the imagery, but it's true in metaphorical terms. Christians obtain purity that comes only from God... I just realized this, but it's slightly amazing, because we are considered light while God is also the light that guides us - "Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path" (Psalm 119:105). It's quite humbling being compared to God since we're not even close to his perfection. Yet he finds us important enough. It's something that believers share with him. The kinship and everlasting connection that comes from simply believing. Having hope, and exuberant joy that all derives from our faith. But again, without God you can't have the most satisfying of experiences. It's the feeling when you can't fully express an emotion, or feel it to it's greatest extent. Being in the dark is the absence of light- the absence of God. Those who resign there only acquire a grand collection of ordinary moments which they label "happiness". That sounds great right? But believers have something better -it's called everlasting joy and it derives from God himself. 

     My point is that there is so much difference between Christians, and those who are labeled as nonbelievers. But then again there is also a difference between those who label themselves as Christians, and those who actively seek God. I'll save that thought for another time... Anyways, I know that there is a different connection between people who love God, and people who only know of God. There is a reason why some of my best friendships derived from my youth group, or why past romantic relationships with non-Christians never worked out. There is something missing from those worldy connections that even I can tell right from the start. Also knowing the extent of God's gracious love, how could you expect that type of love to be reciprocated from someone who doesn't know him? Their love is completely different in definition. Their standards of life are too-  To them, hearing about the amazing bible story you just read, or singing the most beautiful worship songs is simply a story or just another song. And even saying that hurts a little.

     Okay, besides the negativity of darkness, imagine yourself married. How amazing would it be to have bible studies with your future wife/ husband? Or not even that, but simply sharing good conversation about what you read in the Bible over breakfast? That rarely exists in worldly relationships. Well, they can exist but it wouldn't be an exchange of thoughts, rather a one sided one. Also you wouldn't be able to grow in your faith together. I never really gave it much credit myself, but diving into the word with another brother or sister of Christ changes everything. You get tiny snippets of other peoples interpretations, which just add and add to your own. You're range of thoughts become broadened, and your mind is challenged by the thought provoking questions of another believer who is just as interested in spiritually flourishing.- And it's all because you have the same goal of growing in the word instead of being fed it... 

     Of course these relationships can bring much happiness and amazing experiences. I don't mind what other's may believe. In fact I respect it. Yet personally I find there is something missing. If you're saved you know what I mean. Before salvation there was always something missing in life. You couldn't quite put your finger on it at the time, but then you eventually realized it was was Jesus. And once you had him you could never go back... So then this is what I ask: if both parties of a relationship are not with God, then isn't something bound to be always missing? 

     

Slightly New

     When looking back at the previous posts that I have written on this blog, I often die inside of embarrassment of the quite juvenile feelings I had towards insignificant situations. Of course at the time they were more than just an "insignificance situation," because I remember how intense the range of emotions felt when experiencing it. With that being said, looking back at what I've written I couldn't help but revert all of my 100 or so posts into drafts. Of course in the recent year or so I actually do enjoy much of what I've written; whether it was a good memory or a realization that I've had. So I do plan to publish those again, but for now they'll remain a long collection of drafts which I can only see. I'm slightly confused about what I plan to continue writing, but hopefully I'll have some creative juices flowing.