Slightly Different

     "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?"

2 Corinthians 6:14

     It's a pretty straightforward verse I'd say. "Don't be yoked with unbelievers." This doesn't necessarily mean not to associate yourself at all with unbelievers, because we are called to reach out to people who are without God. With that being said, to me this is talking about relationships... romantic ones especially. 

     Recently I had a friend who told me that their significant other whom they're dating is not really a Christian. They have a background of some religion, but that doesn't apply now. That worries me... Before I start this controversial and dangerous conversation with myself on this computer, I'm sorry if you're reading this__________. I hope you see where I come from... 

     What sets us apart from other people of this world? As Christians we are supposed to be different in hopes that God's grace shines through us. Realistically you can create yourself to be exactly like anyone in this world, but imitating God is something that requires pure humility and effort. If Christians were relatively similar to everyone else, the outstanding importance of spreading the word would be a meaningless task. Do you understand what I'm saying? In simpler terms, being a servant of God requires you to be a mirror of Jesus which is determined to set you apart from everyone else.... And everyone else are the nonbelievers. 

     So like the verse may ask, why be yoked with unbelievers? They're the dark and we're the light. Of course there seems to be a negative connotation attached with the imagery, but it's true in metaphorical terms. Christians obtain purity that comes only from God... I just realized this, but it's slightly amazing, because we are considered light while God is also the light that guides us - "Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path" (Psalm 119:105). It's quite humbling being compared to God since we're not even close to his perfection. Yet he finds us important enough. It's something that believers share with him. The kinship and everlasting connection that comes from simply believing. Having hope, and exuberant joy that all derives from our faith. But again, without God you can't have the most satisfying of experiences. It's the feeling when you can't fully express an emotion, or feel it to it's greatest extent. Being in the dark is the absence of light- the absence of God. Those who resign there only acquire a grand collection of ordinary moments which they label "happiness". That sounds great right? But believers have something better -it's called everlasting joy and it derives from God himself. 

     My point is that there is so much difference between Christians, and those who are labeled as nonbelievers. But then again there is also a difference between those who label themselves as Christians, and those who actively seek God. I'll save that thought for another time... Anyways, I know that there is a different connection between people who love God, and people who only know of God. There is a reason why some of my best friendships derived from my youth group, or why past romantic relationships with non-Christians never worked out. There is something missing from those worldy connections that even I can tell right from the start. Also knowing the extent of God's gracious love, how could you expect that type of love to be reciprocated from someone who doesn't know him? Their love is completely different in definition. Their standards of life are too-  To them, hearing about the amazing bible story you just read, or singing the most beautiful worship songs is simply a story or just another song. And even saying that hurts a little.

     Okay, besides the negativity of darkness, imagine yourself married. How amazing would it be to have bible studies with your future wife/ husband? Or not even that, but simply sharing good conversation about what you read in the Bible over breakfast? That rarely exists in worldly relationships. Well, they can exist but it wouldn't be an exchange of thoughts, rather a one sided one. Also you wouldn't be able to grow in your faith together. I never really gave it much credit myself, but diving into the word with another brother or sister of Christ changes everything. You get tiny snippets of other peoples interpretations, which just add and add to your own. You're range of thoughts become broadened, and your mind is challenged by the thought provoking questions of another believer who is just as interested in spiritually flourishing.- And it's all because you have the same goal of growing in the word instead of being fed it... 

     Of course these relationships can bring much happiness and amazing experiences. I don't mind what other's may believe. In fact I respect it. Yet personally I find there is something missing. If you're saved you know what I mean. Before salvation there was always something missing in life. You couldn't quite put your finger on it at the time, but then you eventually realized it was was Jesus. And once you had him you could never go back... So then this is what I ask: if both parties of a relationship are not with God, then isn't something bound to be always missing? 

     

Slightly New

     When looking back at the previous posts that I have written on this blog, I often die inside of embarrassment of the quite juvenile feelings I had towards insignificant situations. Of course at the time they were more than just an "insignificance situation," because I remember how intense the range of emotions felt when experiencing it. With that being said, looking back at what I've written I couldn't help but revert all of my 100 or so posts into drafts. Of course in the recent year or so I actually do enjoy much of what I've written; whether it was a good memory or a realization that I've had. So I do plan to publish those again, but for now they'll remain a long collection of drafts which I can only see. I'm slightly confused about what I plan to continue writing, but hopefully I'll have some creative juices flowing.

Breakfast

     This past weekend I finally got to see an old friend visiting home from college! She's not actually old like 60 years old, but old as in I've known her for a while. -It was refreshing. When we saw each other she gave me a big old hug; the type that sorta catches you off guard but in a good way. She also welcomed me with a gift which I didn't expect at all. It was a nice plus not gonna lie.

     We sat down in a booth in the corner at this cool diner restaurant we've come to appreciate. It's comfy looking. The outdated furniture makes it seem like you're at your grandma's house, and the food tastes better than it costs. A nice waitress greeted us and we both got the usual water. No need to pay extra for diabetes right? Anyways, we got right to talking about how college life was treating us so far. 

     She talked about how she's diverted from some friends, but have made a great deal of new ones. Her roommate has seemed to be someone who resembles her unique personality. Someone also intricate...but in a different way. She's also a Christian too which is great. Then we got our cheap, delicious breakfast food and talked some more. We exchanged more college experiences, I caught her up on NOVA things, and we talked about how excited we were to do cheesy activities in the winter time with friends. But what I noticed throughout our conversation was that she's changed- 

     It's not in a bad way which you've probably been guessing, but a good kind of change. I could tell that she's genuinely happy. It's not that I didn't think she was before, that's not the point. It's that the way she presented herself and the way she talked was different. She laughed a lot more, and also the way she listened to me talking made me know that she actually cared. All I was really thinking the whole time was "wow, she's so happy and that's so cool!" I know it sounds too simple to the point that it's insignificant, but I just admired how refreshing the whole experience was. Also it's not that I even said anything that exciting or our topics were incredibly out of the ordinary, but she just found it all important enough to smile and nod about. But it wasn't the "I don't care alright" kind of way; it was the "I'm sincerely interested" type. That's something more people should do. At least I think so. 

     It doesn't make sense I know, but it was just a wonderful breakfast at this comfy diner with an old friend, and I wanted to talk about it.

Missing An Old Friend

     In the grand scheme of the world it's hard to grasp the idea of the future, and a good one at that when things are going the complete opposite. It's inevitable that life will suck at times but I suppose that's what builds character and molds us into the unique personalities we are today blah bla bl... But in the moments that we realize not much is greener on the other side, there's this deep feeling of sadness that can bury inside of ourselves. Sometimes it's the emotional ride we personally experience and have to find contentment with, or sometimes it has nothing to do with us but people we care about. I suppose an old friend would be a good example of that.

     This feeling I have inside of me is a great mixture of my flaw of sympathizing too much, and the habit of overthinking things that don't directly concern me. The situation is an old friend of mine is in trouble and I have the deepest feelings for him. It's not the romantic one that you've been assuming up to this point, but the kind that you have for a few people in this world. There are only a handful who have struck my heart whenever theirs were broken. You can't really choose these few they just naturally take over your sympathy and that's that. You feel the way they feel and it's incredibly real to you. In simpler terms, you worry because you're worried about the pain they're feeling. 

     With this great importance of Old Friend to me, I find myself thinking about the amount of stress and pain they're enduring and how much I want to help comfort them. You see the thing is like I said earlier, life isn't so easy. I'm not able to reach out to see how they're doing, and they don't have a wide range of people who can give them complete ease. It creates a sense of discomfort and uneasiness in the pit of myself, but there's not much I can do. With that in mind I also find my thoughts wandering about what I could've possibly done to prevent all of this. I suppose some will tell me there is nothing I could've done to change the present, but is that all so true? No one is clearly certain about the outcome of events, and one little change of action could have made the world of a difference. Although I guess it's much wasted time thinking about it in the present right now when it's all in the past. 

       Despite the solemn tone I've been writing throughout this, I know there's a silver lining. Life isnt a dark collection of unfortunate events, but an ever growing one of little happy moments and trinkets that bring us joy. I just wanted to talk about the intense feelings we have that come before. In all honesty that's what feels extremely real to us and leaves a residue inside. Besides that though, I do believe all of these bad experiences are good for us in someway. It's like when you take that gross cough medicine. Although I stopped taking medicine a few years ago... but that's besides the point. Things get better even if it tastes bad for a little. 

More Florida

Tell Me Your Life

     I should be studying but in fact I'm not...obviously. Although we should always be doing something other than what we are doing, but we usually don't do it. You should be cleaning your room, but you're probably not. You should be reading the Bible, but you're tired right now. You should be doing your hw, but does education really matter? Ha, yes it does. That was a joke. Do your homework.

     So many things have occurred and crossed my mind over the past 2 weeks or so I've been off this blog thing. First of all, I have learned many things about babies and their development. In my developmental psych class I learn a whole bunch of interesting facts about newborns, infants, and/ or toddlers and how they develop into the complicated humans we call adults. Well actually we don't really learn up to the adult stage and not even the adolescent stage, but it's pretty gray in between anyways. At least I say it is because I haven't learned about it yet. I find my class really cool, and I feel like the psych-iest kid there is because I know about the A not B error and the rooting reflex. Those are actually pretty basic terms, but just knowing all these facts and applying it to real life is pretty exciting to me. 

     Other than my psych obsession, oddly not with the show this time, I've also noticed some cool people in my class who I'm interested in knowing. My goal isn't to have a close relationship with them necessarily, but just to talk to them and find out what type of people there are. You know there's just some people you see or meet that you really want to know more about, most of the time out of curiosity. You have that desire to see if they follow your preconception. One girl is in my Korean class and she's mixed: half white and half Indian. She's like Juliet, but her mom is Indian. She's kinda that quirky prep. Not preppy, cause she's not into that Vineyard Vines and Lily Pulitzer stuff, but prep as in chic and stylish. She's quirky and cool and I want to know more about her. I like it cause she's not the type of person to judge or be antisocial. If you want to talk to her she'll talk and crack a funny comment in between. 

     The other person who I'm interested in knowing is this girl in my communication class. She's also really pretty. She's got curly hair too. I don't know why but I find curly hair fascinating. Not her curly hair specifically cause that's creepy. Well this whole people thing may sound creepy but I hope you understand that I just want to know them. Actually I don't have to explain myself. Anyways, curly hair is so cool because it just curls on it's own. What the heck? So yes, this girl in my class is really nice and she seems to be very humble. I don't know why, but I get that vibe from her. Also I get the feeling that if I tried to talk to her more we could be good friends. She seems like she would be a loyal and humble friend. I have no idea if that's true though. 

     Lastly, there's this kid in my math class. Okay so the only reason why he caught my eye was because of what he does when he comes into class. We have assigned seats and he's supposed to sit two seats in front of me. He knows that, but then the class after we were assigned he sat right in front of me. The wrong seat. So I thought he was just confused. It is hard to tell where to sit when you get there early, cause no one's sitting near you to be a guide to your seat. That class during attendance the teacher actually pointed out how he was in the wrong seat, and he seemed confused as expected. So the next class he sat in the right seat. I thought good job kid you got it. Anyways, then the next class he sat in front of me. The wrong seat again. I don't know why he gets confused, cause I'm always there before him and he should know he's two seats in front of me. So yeah I don't know, but that got my attention towards him. The guy looks pretty timid and has this go with the flow, I'm a good kid type of look. It seems like he wants to make friends but doesn't because no one talks to him first. He wears navy converse though. They're cool. So that's him. I don't know who he really is but I want to know why he switches seats every class. 

The Last Night Together

FL_3

FL_2

A bit more funny & hope you enjoy.

FL_1

Check it out.

I Hope That It Will Treat You Well

     It's moments like these... The times we play volleyball for fun and you tell me I suck at it, although I only played my freshman year. The times when you tell me I look really tired even when I got enough sleep. The times you acted like I wasn't very helpful, even though I sacrificed my peaceful shower time to do you a favor. The times when you ask for something that's 10 feet away, and go back to talking with your friends like you expect me to get it. The times I'm talking about my favorite candies, yet you start a new conversation regarding yourself. Trust me, buttered popcorn jellybeans shouldn't be disregarded, and neither should I. The times you act completely different when around your bad influence of friends, but expect me to be there for you every time you make a mistake. The times you ask me to get info about how girl/ boy feels about you, but never talk to me otherwise or ever think I'm useful for anything else. The times I remember what your middle name, birthday, favorite candy and animal is, yet you can't even remember my favorite color. The times I stay up late or answer in the middle of the day to talk to you, even though you take my advice like a joke. The times you use me at your own disposal and indirectly demand things, even when it's the most inconvenient time for me and you know it. I'm with my family... but I'm at your service anyways. The times you promise me things to the date, but later try to renew those promises or never come through at all. I'm used to it. The times I go above and beyond to make sure you're doing okay, yet you show more concern and thanks to those who barely know you.

     I'd call it an emotionally enraged state, but I've got to say the most satisfying moment that night was when I drove off playing "Gives You Hell" in my car.

Movie Stubs

     I used to think that all of us fit into a small pool regarding who we are and that we simply like different things, but I've realized that I'm wrong. There's actually people who are able to think in such intricate ways that can only be understood by those other people who see the world in the same eyes. I'm glad to say that I've had the pleasure of meeting people like this. Those who don't view situations or surroundings in the typical, structed perspective that most of the world does, but a "different" manner.

     These few people who I've come to known are by far the most interesting people I've ever met. They appreciate the little things in life which seem to be very insignificant to the majority of people, and find beauty in mundane things. They can also sense those who are following the popular beliefs of the world and see that they have a limited capacity to understand those who are unlike them. They not only challenge the way that others think, but the way that I think and I love it. Because not everything is black and white. There are things going on that can be interpreted in a million different ways, and life isn't meant to be lived the same way as everyone else; except a lot of the times people don't get that. For example, they don't understand why I like to watch people, or why my collection of tickets/movie stubs is a meaningful accomplishment. They see things for what they are and that's it. And a movie ticket to them is a piece of trash, when it's actually a memory. 

     You know, some just have that sixth sense and are more in tune with their surroundings. They can see through the plastic masks we all put on, and have that ability to deeply take in a person instead of knowing the shallow facts that anyone can get from social media. To them a person isn't just the way they look or talk, because anyone can look or act the same. It really comes down to what you appreciate or is passionate about, because that's unique to you. That's what makes your entire being. Not the hipster flower crowns or Nike free runs that everyone has. Yeah you can attribute those things to yourself because that's what you like, but that doesn't set you apart from the entire teenage population. And that's my entire point of this post: that so many of us are the same. We dress the same, talk the same, and now think the same... but not everyone. Some can actually view the world for what it could be, not what it actually is. 

For Phoenix Link/ Connecting Current

     So there's this loud kid that I met my junior year of high school. At times he made many people in my class laugh, including me, but I never thought we'd be more than classmates. Today this day, the same loud kid is one of my best friends.

     You know sometimes we feel like we're not that very special or have a real purpose in life, especially as teenagers, but this one person made me realize that's not true... That junior year was about the same time I was figuring myself out spiritually. I was confused and slightly uninterested in Christianity for a long time, although I went to church every Sunday. It's ironic how you can appear as a Christian but not think or speak like one. Anyways, that year I really got close to God with the help of a friend who invited me to church. What she did for my future relationship with God was act as a middle man. She spoke and reflected him in ways that I was able to comprehend and accept as a person lacking in faith. And the really amazing thing was that I was able to be that middle man for my friend too. 

     After inviting him to church and Phoenix a few times he changed a lot... and in the best way he could. I could tell that a relationship with Jesus was something he desperately needed, despite the fact he probably didn't know he was lacking anything in his life. It was an amazing thing watching someone you just got to know for a few months, change so quickly and beautifully. Although I'm not talking about physical beauty, spiritual beauty and salvation is something to awe at. Watching anything that God does is something to awe at. It just makes it that much more special when you realize you're a part of the big picture he's painting.

     To this day, I'm incredibly proud of my friend and all that he's overcome and achieved thanks to God's grace. Within the short beginning months since he started going to Phoenix, he's gotten saved, baptized, served, and invited other friends to church in order to show them how amazing God is to those who are even broken or messed up. Because all of us who's come to know Jesus used to be dirty and imperfect in the eyes of the world, but Jesus totally changes that and us. 

     Now, my friend is middle man for his friends and those who he feels compelled to share the good news with. I'm incredibly happy for him and hopeful for his journey of building his faith. Although he's thanked me numerous times for introducing him to our church family and being that person who helped him grow in his relationship with God; I think the real person to thank is God himself. I'm thankful that he used me in his plan to bring another person to Christ, and that he deemed me worthy of it. It was honestly just of an amazing experience for me as it was for my friend. And although sometimes we don't get along, I'm happy to have the loud kid around till this day. 

Piano

     There's this piano that my parents bought especially for me when I was about in 5th grade. It was so long ago that I can't even remember when it exactly happened, but I remember being so excited when I got it. I still have it today. It's a light brown, wooden piano. Very simple, but very beautiful. It was used, but that made it a lot more comfortable because someone else had already broken it in for me... Today my mom told me she's selling that piano. I know that I quit piano years ago since I've moved, and haven't played that old thing in a long time, but I couldn't stand the thought of giving it away. I tried to convince, well more so argue with, my mom to keep it but she insisted it was her decision and that I have no say. The farewell of my piano apparently has nothing to do with me.

     It's hard to explain why I got so emotional when I learned that my wooden box of black and white keys is going away. Frankly I hated learning to play the piano. I dreaded my lessons with my teacher every week, that I even cried to get out of them sometimes. But this piano represents memories and it's always been there with me. Although it sits in the corner collecting dust, it's still there. The piano is the one thing that I called mine, and had some sentimental meaning to it. To me, it doesn't matter that I don't play it anymore. My parent's bought it for me and I loved the thought of having something so beautiful in my possession. It was something that I didn't have to share because I was the only one who knew how to play it. Even though I wasn't very good, I found it special being able to even play one song. If I knew that it came with conditions to keep it, I would have easily followed them. 

     There was a very happy time in my life that I vividly remember, and it was around the time I had gotten the piano. I was living in the warm weather of Louisiana, had a nice house with the most friendly neighbors, a great relationship with my parents, and amazing friends. I didn't necessarily have Jesus prominent in my life, but life was still good as far as I was able to comprehend. This time period is something I often look back on, because I had so many things going right in the short span of a couple years. Something that I really remember are my parents. During that time was when I had the best relationship with them. We'd often go out to spend time together, they came to my award ceremonies, and knew all of my friends. Let's just say they were a lot more invested in me then. Now things are slightly different and my parents aren't that involved in my life as they used to. It's not that I want them to know everything about anything, but as time has gone by they seem to know less and less about me. Normally my parent's aren't really the type who are extremely interested in everything about their kids anyways; they just aren't those type of people. Except it just saddens me because as I'm being stripped of my piano, I've realized that they probably don't even know my favorite flavor of ice cream or how I like making dumb YouTube videos for fun. They don't know these things because their desire to learn has passed. It's not like I want them to be involved in every little aspect of my life; except it's offensive how they're taking away my piano and acting like they know what it means to me. They think it's nothing.

     It sounds like I'm blaming my parents but I'm not. It just frustrates me when they say I have nothing to do with the decision with my piano. It reminds me of how they've progressively taken the time to know less about me and disregard my opinions and thoughts. They cared enough to buy me it for me when I was a kid, but now as a teenager it's stripped without hesitation. Maybe I don't play the piano anymore, but I thought the least I deserved was a heads up that a piece of my happy memory is being exchanged for meaningless money. It all comes down to the fact that the worth of my piano to me personally, doesn't matter as much to my parents compared to the money they'll get from it. They're literally making money from my memories. Maybe it's slightly over dramatic and symbolic of me, but this insignificant musical instrument is so much more than something that makes sound. But I guess a piano to you is not a piano to me. 

Global Citizens Earth Day Concert 2015 Video

During concert:

After concert:

Enjoy, 

More Descriptions.

     I can tell that you have a lot going on in your life. It almost seems unfair to me, because what you're going through has this detrimental effect on yourself and the people around you. But you're the one who's causing the problem. I will never understand what it is that keeps you from simply letting go of your past. There's obvious potential and you're made to be someone important, someone better than you are now; I just don't think you realize it yet. Despite that, you're a great friend and sometimes I get mad at myself for not being there for you as often. It's so evident that you care, and once you create a relationship with someone you sacrifice your whole self for them. That's something that I absolutely admire and love about you. When I need you you're there, and you somehow know how to make me feel better with just your presence. It's weird and hard to explain, but you seem to care about me just as much as I care about you. For that I can't appreciate it enough, because it's been awhile since I've had someone like that in my life. I just hope you help yourself and realize you were destined to be great sooner rather than later. Later may leave you with a lot more pain that you anticipated.

     I have grown to admire you more and more as I get to know you, but at the same time I have learned about the real you. You're caring and loving and I like that a lot. There's a bit of a lighter mood when I'm around you, except that only happens because you're trying to hide the sadness that's constantly inside. I know that, because I used to do it too. You put on a face for others so that they think you're okay, when in fact you're not. There's been many things that have come your way. I know that you're capable of facing them on their own occurrences, but for some unfortunate reason they all came at you at once. This completely changed you. They say some things get better with time, but for some reason with you, things haven't really changed despite you say they have. Maybe the way you appear is different, but your thoughts remain still. I just hope that as time goes on you realize that people are here to help and listen. Especially that one person who always been there, despite that fact you're progressively losing them with time.

     You're there but not there. I don't know why, but it seems like you're in my life yet a total stranger at times. I guess you've just got your own thing going on. For the longest time I really used to look up to you, but for a certain period I was disappointed. You've misused some people and consistently make these mistakes of hurting others feelings, yet you have no idea. That happens because your head clouds your judgement. Despite this, I know you have good intentions and a caring heart. I'd have to say that you're always alert to others needs and do much for them by sacrificing yourself. That's something that I have to thank you for. From your actions, you've taught me what it's like to be selfless.

     Aesthetically, I find you pleasing. I don't think many people have told you this, and I don't think you know, but you really are. You're personality is something different than anyone I've come across in my life. This reason is because there seems to be a split. At times you are very caring and loving towards others, while other times you can act a bit unreasonable and compulsive. I can tell this happens, because the person you were in the past and the person you want to be now is acting against each other. Oftentimes one becomes more apparent than the other; sometimes its the bad side and sometimes it's the good. For this reason, I can't tell how you view me. I admire when you show that you care and value our friendship, but other times I'm left in the dark. That's why I can't see if you actually like me or not. Especially when it comes to things like jealousy or attention.

   

     

Attention Seekers

     As I watch the people around me, whether they're friends or strangers, it's really easy to point out the attention seekers. I guess in reality almost everyone is an attention seeker. We want people to notice us so we feel worthy, heard, or accepted, but not everyone asks for this in the exact same way. There are different types of people. Some like to ask for attention in an obvious manner while others discretely bring attention upon themselves in order to hopefully get a response. So what I've done is consider the amount of attention needed or asked by a person, and what they do to get it, to come up with 3 distinguished groups accordingly: askers, wanters, and watchers. 

     The askers are your obvious "please pay attention to me" kind of people. They may achieve this by showing themselves off or grabbing people's attention in a way they can't be ignored. They are the definition of the center of attention. Personally, this isn't me at all. Sometimes I find it hard to make theses people sound good, because they seem self centered. As true as that can be sometimes, it's not a definite characteristic of askers but a popular one. And for the record, nothing is wrong with being an asker or any one of these. I guess it just all comes down to motive which is something only we would know inside. Just like there's nothing wrong with being an introvert, extrovert, or a mix there's nothing wrong with being as asker. I felt like this needed to be said because askers have bad reps. Anyways, askers get their high from other people focusing and showing interest in them. If someone else is in their spotlight, then they usually resort to silence or competition. They can either accept that someone else is more interesting than them at the time, or they can try to get the light back on them. Either way, they get what they want, because when you're quiet someone is bound to ask you what's wrong, and if you're loud then people start diverging their attention back to you. It's like a foolproof game plan; they win either way. Except like I said before they still have other defining characteristics which are far greater, but in order to get along with them you have to be the type of person who doesn't care about the spotlight.

     Wanters. These people are the indirect, discreet ones. They oftentimes like to bring up certain things about themselves which may be unique or interesting so that others may ask about it or recognize it. They're the "yeah look at me, and ask me questions about my interesting life" types of people. They're not intentionally trying to get everyone to pay attention, but secretly hoping someone does. As their name says it, they want attention but don't necessarily ask for it. To most people, who aren't as hyper-observive, wanters seem like they're acting normal but I can tell otherwise. I also know for sure because I've been a wanter myself. Wanters greatly rely on their unique or original tendencies. They may make a statement with their style, quirks, or perception of the world that it not very popular/ "mainstream." This thus raises questions or reactions from other people because wanters are different. Their divergence from society, but not all the time, is something that is worth a double take. For me, I find wanters very smart and sly. Their way of attention seeking is effortless and almost natural, and they get exactly what they want.

     Lastly are the watchers. Watchers are the ones who either don't really care about the attention on themselves or don't get it. They find their contentment mostly with other watchers and frequently wanters as well. When it comes to askers, they don't really enjoy themselves as much. It's not because they want the attention on them, but they feel as if they can't enjoy themselves without an equal distribution of attention. Most of the time the reason why watchers don't care about attention is because they have interests in other areas. They have prioritized other things in their life, such as hobbies or sports, and deemed them more important. While this is true, watchers also don't get the attention most of the time too. In this case, watchers are either overpowered by other attention seekers or they're overlooked. Although this sounds unfortunate, watchers are oftentimes looked up to for their disregard to attention overall. But while many watchers may claim to always be watchers, sometimes they have a tendency to trek into wanter territory. So occasionally, not always, they will talk about themselves to raise interest. 

Two Years

     You know, you never really anticipate or think that you'll ever stop being best friends with your best friends, but it happens. Today's the two year friendiversary of Genesis, D'Erika, and I. Initially I wasn't going to write a post, but I thought why not document this day? So I know this introduction is a bit on the solemn side, but it's true; you don't think that you'll one day stop being close with the people who you seem inseparable with. That's what happened with the three of us. We kind of went our separate ways; some the same others not so much. But don't worry, this isn't a depressing story about how sad life is now, it's actually the opposite. I wanted to write because I have so much to thank for these two people.

  

     I always struggled making close friends and friends in general, because I used to be shy and very conscious about how I presented myself to others. I never got to act like my "real" self, first of all because I was never comfortable enough with people and second of all because I thought no one would really get my humor, but Genesis and D'Erika did. I think the reason why we all got along so well was because we had this hidden, outgoing part of us that was best brought out by each other. I can say that at least for me, because the time when we were friends is when my extroversion peaked dramatically. That's one thing I really thank them for. I was always afraid of acting like myself, but they encouraged and reciprocated it. You don't know how awesome it is when people simply understand you. You have these moments of pure, ridiculous happiness that you can't find with anyone else and it's freaking awesome. 

     There were so many great memories made with these two. I mean they were, for me, my first real best friends. We made up nonsense inside jokes like JHACNM, and created nicknames for everyone that no one knew except for us. I know it annoyed many people, but I loved it. I loved having that annoying and typical, but special relationship with my friends. Gosh, so many cool things happened while we were close. DC biking trips, multiple sleepovers, Jonas Brother concerts, sweet sixteens, and a heck of a lot more. I can honestly say that those are some of my fondest memories, because all I remember then is feeling carefree joy all the time. Thinking about it now, yeah it sucks things aren't the way they used to be, but you learn to accept it. There's a reason why certain people diverge and others converge. By us dividing, another person was able to make a new best friend, and that itself makes me feel good. Because you can't force friendship, it comes naturally. So I can't be upset that the three of us aren't JHACNM anymore. All I can do is look back and remember all the good times we shared. The bonding we experienced and growing we did together, especially spiritually, is something amazing. Cause if you think about it, if we didn't have each other during that time it would change everything. We would be completely different and I can't imagine that happening, because I love the people we have turned out to be today. 

     Thanks again Gene and D, happy two year friendiversary. Love you guys. 

One Year

     I had a feeling it was about a year since my first blog post, and I was right. It's been exactly one year. I honestly started this blog one night, on the 23rd of February, because all the youtubers have awesome blogs that people actually read. I didn't really start it because I believed it would somehow benefit myself or the reader, but just because it'd be cool and make me seem cool too. But as time went on, the reason why I kept writing changed. I've realized the reason why I write, and why this blog is seemingly so important to me is because there is no better and easier way for me to express my feelings and thoughts. I have so much trouble saying what's on my mind or how I feel, and yes it's a problem that I'm trying to fix, but this blog is a temporary solution to my problem. Everything that I've ever written is either something that has struck my heart, or an indirect message to a particular audience. It doesn't really matter if no one or everyone I know reads each post, because they're not really intended to know if it's about them. But if they figure it out then congrats, because I twist and change things in what I write so that it's pretty difficult to even get a tell into what I'm really saying.

     I don't deny that I've used this blog to personally let out my anger or bitterness towards people, situations, or anything like that. Except my goal isn't to directly insult people on the internet, but sometimes all I can do is write about it. You know what I mean? There are just some situations that may bother the heck out of you or other times you may not be the biggest fan of someone for the dumbest reason alive. Those are the times where you can't really talk to anyone because then people would think you're petty and shallow. And doing this gets me in trouble sometimes. People have assumed that what I've written is about them, but there is absolutely no proof in the writing unless explicitly stated. I have made it so that what I write is very vague and hard to pin point to one person or situation. I do this because my intention isn't to prove a point, but to simply express my thoughts. For those who think what I've written is about them and get offended, I apologize, but it's only because you see yourself in what I've typed and don't like it.

     It's hard to prove that my blog isn't just for ranting and venting about my typical teenage life, because most of the time that's what it consists of. Frequently my personal problems make an appearance here, but I also try to incorporate the good things in my life and also my faith. I like to document amazing memories such as prom, Miguels baptism, or the All American Rejects concert that I went to with my friends. All the moments that I would never want to forget. That way I'm able to look back, relive those good times and reminisce. It's so easy to forget what we even ate for breakfast yesterday, that there is no way I want to forget or even have a fuzzy recollection of these events. And our memory is so limited that there is no better way to preserve it than to write about it...But other than good times, I also like to share my faith on this blog. Sometimes it's a cool conversation I had with my friend on the bus about Jesus, and other times it's a compulsion from God to write about something new I learned in the Bible that shook me. I don't do it because it makes me look like I'm a super Christian that reads the Bible all the time, but it's for the publicity. Making your faith public can make an impression on other people. Maybe people aren't completely convinced with just one post I write, but it gets them thinking. At least some Jesus is being put in front of them. Who knows, maybe what I write can make them open up a Bible? And that maybe makes it worth it.

     So this is why I write: to help myself and also hopefully help others. Yes, I may say things that may seem dramatic or bitter but that's a part of helping myself. I need to get those things out somehow. Just like normal people vent to others about their problems, I do that too except on the internet. When you vent you don't have intentions of hurting anyone and your words have no realistic meaning to them, you just simply want to be heard. So I don't really care what other people may "assume" from my words, because all I know is what I write and my intentions when doing so. People can like that or not. And if they don't then they have a choice to not read my blog simple as that... But ultimately I hope that anyone who reads my blog will gain something out of it, because that would actually give it so much more meaning that a 17 year old talking about her ex-boyfriend.

The Bus Ride Conversation

     Sometimes I ride the bus home after school. Usually I go home with D'Erika but occasionally I don't.

     You know those times where you get really caught up with what you want or what's stressing you out? That's what life's been like for me for a while. I tried my best to ignore the things that were bothering me, or the things that I really wished I had, whether that be materialistic or intangible, but at one point everything that I tried to block out was coming at me at once. So I kept thinking about what I didn't have, or felt sorry for myself because I deserved it, except that was pathetic. Because spending so much time thinking about what I wanted, left no time to even have a 5 minute conversation with God.

     It makes me mad how easy it is for me to question God for the things I don't have. And it's not always a shiny car, or expensive dress, sometimes I want things like attention or recognition. Nonetheless things that come from my prideful, and greedy self. I think, why is this not working out for me? I ask questions, when I already know the answer to them. The reason why it feels like God is taking so much away, or not giving enough is because I'm not invested in him to begin with. It makes sense doesn't it? I only pray when I want something from God, and expect that he will give it to me simply because I took 1 minute to talk to him. But why would he give to such an undeserving person? I'm not saying that God is a cruel one, but he's one that wants my attention, our attention. So to do that sometimes he needs to make us feel a bit empty. I didn't really realize how screwed up my thought process was. It had gotten to that point. But after moping around and being sad about my current situation, I decided to open up a book that my youth leader Tracy gave me. It was a book that answers questions many non believers have. And what a coincidence that the first chapter talked about trials God uses to bring us back to him.

     So back to the bus ride, normally I don't ride it but on this particular day I did. I sat with my friend Dawon, and the first half of the ride I was venting about my feelings. It felt great and Dawon's awesome because shes listens and tries to help me out. But what's more amazing is that both of us had recently felt like we were lacking in our faith. I started to read my Bible more often a couple of days ago, and it has been going well. But after talking to Dawon I have this greater motivation and realization that Jesus is all I need right now. Despite everything that's going on in my head, the one thing that I really needed was God back into my life. Dawon told me to remember to follow Jesus and he will give me the desires of my heart. It's funny because I had completely forgotten about that verse, but it's exactly what I needed to hear. So I guess you could say I'm glad that I rode the bus home today.

What I've Learned: A New Year

     2014 consisted of a lot of drama. Whether it included me or not, there was a lot. I've learned that there are some friends who you aren't going to be close with forever, people can change, and you can't always expect things to go your way. But I've made my peace with that and I accept it. Despite all of the things I've witnessed and gone through, I think that all it has done is help me learn from my mistakes and understand myself better. But most importantly I think I understand my friends and peers better too. Now I know who has what motives, how to tailor my actions around certain people, and also who I should keep closer than others. It was a year where I learned who my real friends are. As solemn as that sounds I think we've all learned that this year.

     I've grown a lot during 2014 too. I admit I used to be really bad at controlling my anger with other people but I've grown to be the bigger person in many situations. I'm not trying to brag, but I think that this year I have gotten a better grasp on what it means to let go of my pride. I used to think that if I was wronged I was entitled to some justice or apology, but now I don't expect anything from people. It's not in a "I'm better than you" way, but sometimes people will just disappoint you and I've learned to accept that. And when people do something to hurt me, I try my best to deal with it myself. I know that kind of sounds bad, because you should express your feelings, but I think that if I can deal with a problem on my own I'm simply preparing myself for the real world. Cause honestly, in the real world people can be cold and won't care about what you think.  Except sometimes it makes me feel like I've been walked all over by people, because I choose not to make a big deal out of things. But I still get some sort of satisfaction from being the bigger person, and that's what keeps me going. But it's taken me this whole year to get to that point.

     The people who care about you are the people who deserve your love. There were many situations where me or someone I know, has put all of their time and care into a person when in fact they didn't deserve it in the first place. Whether it's platonic or not, there needs to be some sort of mutual exchange of time and effort put in a relationship. Except sometimes there's more from one person. And I used to think that it's okay to give more than you receive, but when it comes to friendships and relationships there shouldn't be any exceptions. Because if someone really cares about you they would make it apparent. When it comes to friends, they should be open to helping you through the crap you go through, or take the time to thank you every so often for doing so. When it comes to relationships, the other person should love and care for you just as much as you do for them, and it shouldn't have to be a mystery to figure it out. I've come to the realization that it's not okay giving more than you get, because you're just wasting the love you could have been spending well on a person who will reciprocate it back. We try to settle, but I think that there are certain people who you consider friends or maybe even more than that, that will come through to you and understand you. Now those are the people you should invest in. Because the people who matter will care.

     I love my friends. Of course we've all had our rough patches, but I thank God for letting me meet all of them. I especially thank the friends who have helped me get through tough times and who's never failed to make me laugh. This year I've grown closer to people I never thought I would have otherwise. I can honestly say it's something special having a group of friends you're so comfortable with that you can hang out whenever you want. It's like we're the 2014 version of That 70's Show where Austin's basement is Eric Forman's basement. We always hangout there and I love it. I'm pretty sure I'm there at least twice a week. It sounds cliche I know, but I don't know what I'd do without my friends. We've all had so many good memories together it's crazy. My favorite was probably the last day of summer when we to the pool. I don't even know why, but I had the best time of my entire life. We all went swimming and joked around with each other it was pure bliss. You know those moments you don't ever want to forget? That's one of them. I know that that memory will live long. Every one of my friends are such a huge part of my life and I can't imagine being happy without them in it. I would do anything for you guys I hope you know that. Thanks for being good to me this year. 

     It's been hard to understand how relationships work, but I've noticed that certain people are put into your life, or taken out, for a specific reason. Whether it's to teach them a lesson or you a lesson, there is a reason why people are only temporarily in your life. As for boys I think that Will was put into my life so that I could expose him to any bit of Jesus I could. Although I know that now he may not find it convincing, I'm still so happy I got to tell him about the Bible and what a relationship with God is all about. I am thankful for the short time I had with him because it was fun and I got to do something meaningful with it. But again, it was temporary and I think the main reason why he was put into my life was simply because of my faith. But I still thank Will for the good ride because it really was an awesome one at that. A person who was actually temporarily taken out of my life is Genesis. We fought over a boy and it was the dumbest thing thinking about it now. I think that Genesis was temporarily taken out, so that I can learn a lesson from the conflict we had with each other. I learned that friends last a lot longer that boys and they're more meaningful. There were so many times where I felt so stupid over how dramatic I reacted when all she did was like a boy. I mean who was I to stop her from being happy? And honestly I missed Gene so much at times it sucked. There were things that she just got about me which I appreciated a lot. So I ended this year by apologizing to her for any pain I may have been responsible for, because I had no right to do what I did and I should be happy for my friends instead of being selfish. I can't imagine being the intentional cause of pain in my friends. It's not me anymore. And it's great because she apologized too. 

     Overall I think this was the year where I got to find myself and know who I want to be known I as. I don't want to be the someone who makes a big deal out of little situations or is petty, or the person who is boring and simple. I want to be known for my good character and reflection of Jesus. I still plan to be as weird and awkward as I am cause honestly I don't care anymore. I just expect my friends to deal with me cause I know they will, and for those who'll make fun of me so be it. I'm going to be the bestest friend I can be to the few people in my life who matter the most. Everyone else are simply fillers in my world. Cheers 2014.