One Year

     I had a feeling it was about a year since my first blog post, and I was right. It's been exactly one year. I honestly started this blog one night, on the 23rd of February, because all the youtubers have awesome blogs that people actually read. I didn't really start it because I believed it would somehow benefit myself or the reader, but just because it'd be cool and make me seem cool too. But as time went on, the reason why I kept writing changed. I've realized the reason why I write, and why this blog is seemingly so important to me is because there is no better and easier way for me to express my feelings and thoughts. I have so much trouble saying what's on my mind or how I feel, and yes it's a problem that I'm trying to fix, but this blog is a temporary solution to my problem. Everything that I've ever written is either something that has struck my heart, or an indirect message to a particular audience. It doesn't really matter if no one or everyone I know reads each post, because they're not really intended to know if it's about them. But if they figure it out then congrats, because I twist and change things in what I write so that it's pretty difficult to even get a tell into what I'm really saying.

     I don't deny that I've used this blog to personally let out my anger or bitterness towards people, situations, or anything like that. Except my goal isn't to directly insult people on the internet, but sometimes all I can do is write about it. You know what I mean? There are just some situations that may bother the heck out of you or other times you may not be the biggest fan of someone for the dumbest reason alive. Those are the times where you can't really talk to anyone because then people would think you're petty and shallow. And doing this gets me in trouble sometimes. People have assumed that what I've written is about them, but there is absolutely no proof in the writing unless explicitly stated. I have made it so that what I write is very vague and hard to pin point to one person or situation. I do this because my intention isn't to prove a point, but to simply express my thoughts. For those who think what I've written is about them and get offended, I apologize, but it's only because you see yourself in what I've typed and don't like it.

     It's hard to prove that my blog isn't just for ranting and venting about my typical teenage life, because most of the time that's what it consists of. Frequently my personal problems make an appearance here, but I also try to incorporate the good things in my life and also my faith. I like to document amazing memories such as prom, Miguels baptism, or the All American Rejects concert that I went to with my friends. All the moments that I would never want to forget. That way I'm able to look back, relive those good times and reminisce. It's so easy to forget what we even ate for breakfast yesterday, that there is no way I want to forget or even have a fuzzy recollection of these events. And our memory is so limited that there is no better way to preserve it than to write about it...But other than good times, I also like to share my faith on this blog. Sometimes it's a cool conversation I had with my friend on the bus about Jesus, and other times it's a compulsion from God to write about something new I learned in the Bible that shook me. I don't do it because it makes me look like I'm a super Christian that reads the Bible all the time, but it's for the publicity. Making your faith public can make an impression on other people. Maybe people aren't completely convinced with just one post I write, but it gets them thinking. At least some Jesus is being put in front of them. Who knows, maybe what I write can make them open up a Bible? And that maybe makes it worth it.

     So this is why I write: to help myself and also hopefully help others. Yes, I may say things that may seem dramatic or bitter but that's a part of helping myself. I need to get those things out somehow. Just like normal people vent to others about their problems, I do that too except on the internet. When you vent you don't have intentions of hurting anyone and your words have no realistic meaning to them, you just simply want to be heard. So I don't really care what other people may "assume" from my words, because all I know is what I write and my intentions when doing so. People can like that or not. And if they don't then they have a choice to not read my blog simple as that... But ultimately I hope that anyone who reads my blog will gain something out of it, because that would actually give it so much more meaning that a 17 year old talking about her ex-boyfriend.

The Bus Ride Conversation

     Sometimes I ride the bus home after school. Usually I go home with D'Erika but occasionally I don't.

     You know those times where you get really caught up with what you want or what's stressing you out? That's what life's been like for me for a while. I tried my best to ignore the things that were bothering me, or the things that I really wished I had, whether that be materialistic or intangible, but at one point everything that I tried to block out was coming at me at once. So I kept thinking about what I didn't have, or felt sorry for myself because I deserved it, except that was pathetic. Because spending so much time thinking about what I wanted, left no time to even have a 5 minute conversation with God.

     It makes me mad how easy it is for me to question God for the things I don't have. And it's not always a shiny car, or expensive dress, sometimes I want things like attention or recognition. Nonetheless things that come from my prideful, and greedy self. I think, why is this not working out for me? I ask questions, when I already know the answer to them. The reason why it feels like God is taking so much away, or not giving enough is because I'm not invested in him to begin with. It makes sense doesn't it? I only pray when I want something from God, and expect that he will give it to me simply because I took 1 minute to talk to him. But why would he give to such an undeserving person? I'm not saying that God is a cruel one, but he's one that wants my attention, our attention. So to do that sometimes he needs to make us feel a bit empty. I didn't really realize how screwed up my thought process was. It had gotten to that point. But after moping around and being sad about my current situation, I decided to open up a book that my youth leader Tracy gave me. It was a book that answers questions many non believers have. And what a coincidence that the first chapter talked about trials God uses to bring us back to him.

     So back to the bus ride, normally I don't ride it but on this particular day I did. I sat with my friend Dawon, and the first half of the ride I was venting about my feelings. It felt great and Dawon's awesome because shes listens and tries to help me out. But what's more amazing is that both of us had recently felt like we were lacking in our faith. I started to read my Bible more often a couple of days ago, and it has been going well. But after talking to Dawon I have this greater motivation and realization that Jesus is all I need right now. Despite everything that's going on in my head, the one thing that I really needed was God back into my life. Dawon told me to remember to follow Jesus and he will give me the desires of my heart. It's funny because I had completely forgotten about that verse, but it's exactly what I needed to hear. So I guess you could say I'm glad that I rode the bus home today.