(James 4: 8-10 NIV)
It's been heart aching.
I don't think that I've ever felt so alone, or felt so broken. It's scary. My insecurities are constantly on my mind. I'm crying out to God "please help me!," or "I need you;" but am I doing it because I know I am a sinner? Or because I want the pain to go away?
It's because my life was good. Too good to the point where I forgot what it meant to be humble. I knew what it was like to have all that I wanted, and so I became full of it. I had many friends, a good reputation, pleasing grades, and of all things a boyfriend(!). My confidence went up because I "had it all together." Maybe I didn't show it outwardly, but on the inside my heart was full of pride; and no appreciation was rightfully given to Him.
It's been a painful past couple of weeks to say the least. Frequently I found myself feeling quite small and empty. I would wake up feeling anxious and worried for no reason. Other times I was crying, because I couldn't help how I felt. My heart had never hurt so much- I didn't tell anyone either. Not my close friends, family, or boyfriend. To me, this was between myself and my trust in God. Was He going to provide? How much did I trust in Him? Not enough... So I did everything I could think of to relieve my suffering. I found myself reading the Bible daily, constantly looking for answers. I listened to music hoping it would open my heart to Him. I journaled, praying I would finally understand the pain I was feeling. Not much prevailed. I fooled myself into thinking that those things worked, because I so desperately wanted them to.
The answers weren't where I wanted them to be. If they were, then reading the Bible, worshiping, and praying would be self serving; a means for our own gain. Except those acts aren't meant to ease our own pain, but to glorify Him. I feel guilty using those beautiful means to satisfy my own desires.
I've learned what it is to love the Lord in humility; or at least I like to believe so. When our own struggles seem too big, and we're desperately asking God for peace, it should be with a sincere heart; acknowledging our brokenness and humbling ourselves before Him in hopes of being lifted up. It's about submitting ourselves. I thought begging for contentment was what it took. If I pray, then God will answer me right? Yes and no. When we ask with wrong motives we don't receive, because we are hoping to spend it on our own pleasures (James 5:3). That's exactly what I was trying to do. And it's not that God was trying to keep me in a state of loneliness, but reveal to me what it really means to be broken and on my knees, calling on Him wholeheartedly.
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