Let's go back to who I used to be: impressionable, not passionate, dependent on others. All pretty lacking in someway or another through my eyes; well now at least. Let's start with impressionable. I agree it's good to take in other's ideas and likes. Oh wait I don't agree with that. Do I??... Yeah that explains the past me pretty well. Not quite sure which thoughts are my own, and agreeing for the sake of likeliness or stability. It didn't get me anywhere, except create a mix of my friends and peers inside my own head. No room for myself.
In terms of passion, there was none. I didn't really care about much except watching tv shows and sleeping. Maybe it was because I was a high schooler, but nonetheless that doesn't mean passion is only found outside of it. Passion is found anywhere there's a place it can reside, and be constantly fueled. Tv and nonsense things, like laying in bed while watching Youtube videos, took too much room that passion couldn't fit. Don't get me wrong, I admired people who had a great fire for what they loved; but I couldn't do it. Although I guess that means I wasn't quite passionate about anything from the start.
Dependence. It's contrasting because I'd say I was always pretty independent; although this is more in relation with my family and responsibilities. When it came to fulfillment it definitely came from friends. I always needed to be around people so I wasn't "bored." If I was alone or at home for too long it would eat me up, and I would get restless. Maybe it was because I was an extrovert? But the answer is no. As much as I didn't know myself very well then, I still knew that wasn't the answer; although that would be a good excuse. It stemmed from me not being comfortable enough with myself to be alone. If I didn't talk or see friends I was sad and lonely. That's not extrovertedness, but insecurity.
Nonetheless, I'd like to say I've changed. Now I have actual opinions. I may be able to be swayed, but my thoughts have solidified (and keep doing so) over the years. This isn't to say that I'm not understanding of other people's views, but I don't necessarily adopt them myself as willingly. Although this can also come from the idea that as we grow older we change less and less in our views. That's simply psychology and human growth. Why do you think it's so hard to talk to adults about God, when they don't believe in Him? Anyways, yeah so I have things to yeah and nah about. With passion, I'm still trying to figure out what that exactly is. I'm doing new things, and spending more time with it to see if I like it. Well actually I know what I like; just trying to see what I love. I'm attempting to make Bible reading one of those things. Lastly, dependence. Especially since college started, I've been taking on more adult responsibilities like getting a job, paying for food and gas, and even grocery shopping. The last one is by far my favorite, and probably the easiest. Although besides that, I'm much more comfortable being by myself now, and I know it's because I started to pursue God more intentionally. He's been helping me see the beauty in spending quality time with Him, which requires just myself. Doing this more often means more alone time, and more alone time leads to comfort, and comfort grows into peace. From this you may think that meant I became independent, but that's not necessarily true. Maybe doing things on my own has become easier, but with God I simply turned my dependence from others onto Him; He who can actually fulfill me.
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