Over-affectionate? & Other Thoughts

     I have this problem of not being able to distinguish whether I'm smothering someone or being thoughtful.

     I want to do a lot for people: my close friends, boyfriend, friends in general (this usually isn't a problem with my family). I care about a lot of people; well many and little at the same time, it's hard to explain. But for those people I genuinely care for,  I want to express my love for them. I like to do this with surprises or thoughtful gestures (but it's not the only way). In reference to love languages, I would say this falls under gift giving; although I learned that the way we like to receive love and express love are different. Like I was getting at earlier, I like to express love by gift giving. On the flip side, I feel loved the most with quality time. 

     Gift giving is something I really like to do, but also find myself conflicted with at the same time. The reason why I like to do it is because it's a way to show someone you're thinking about them even when you're not together. It doesn't always have to be a big gesture either. To me I think the most significant factor that expresses love in gift giving, is the unexpected timing. I'd like to call it pleasant surprises. I love doing this, and I constantly come up with ideas on how I can do something for my friends, because I know if someone else did it for me I would appreciate it. But with this comes conflict. I want to do so much, and oftentimes too much in my head, that I end up doing nothing. Or in other cases I do it, but then feel over-affectionate. I feel like I'm doing way too much for no real good reason. I don't want to seem clingy or weird! That's why I struggle. Although sometimes I end up doing xyz anyways, because I say "what they heck they'll probably appreciate it one way or another."

     Lately I've learned that not everyone feels loved when they receive gifts/surprises/etc. To me that was a little hard to wrap my head around, but I can understand it now. I would be a good representation. As much as I like gifts, I love good old quality time the most. It makes me feel valued and close to whomever I'm spending it with. But quality time doesn't mean long periods together. It means intention and undivided attention. The absolute best. 

     Loving on people can be hard, and especially figuring how to love them the best way is too.  

     

Missing You

     Missing someone: it's a feeling that can't be understood by anyone else, and only fixed with one solution. Maybe it's usually found within romantic relationships, but it can reside in other ones as well.

     The actual feeling's intense. It's longing driven by passion. All you want is to be with blank person, but for some reason you can't. Distance, pride, busyness; anything can really separate you. You may ease the pain by imagining yourself being with them, or you reminisce of good memory you've had. The past is your best friend, because it's all you have. It may bring peace, but it's only temporary. 

     It's frustrating because there's little you can do when you miss someone. That's what'll create the most pain. In this day and age you may send a text, snap, fb message to put you on their mind. In other cases you create coincidental interactions, or if you're bold enough even call. They're ways you let them know you're thinking of them. And those means (indirect communication) is a way to talk to them without talking to them; although it's more so to relax your own uneasiness. Nonetheless, whether they know what you're doing or not, to you these are subtle gestures to make sure they don't completely forget about you. Or even worse, get used to being without you. So any contact is good enough when you reach the point of longing for another person. Therefore you try to do every little thing you can to say you miss them without using honest words. Because honest words means you have to be fearless, and fearlessness require vulnerability. You're secretly hoping that these gestures remind them of you. Maybe they'll show you just how much you're missed as well. 

     Distance is separating; it takes too much time and effort. Pride is necessary; vulnerability means weakness. Life is busy; things need to get done and well. Although does making time for someone you really care about that hard? Even in those circumstances? Yes. As much as I want to say no, I've learned that's not the case. If it was that easy, missing each other would be a minor task... but I know you can always make more effort. It's not a matter of if you're trying, but how hard are you.  

      Although what I've learned is that missing someone isn't the most painful thing we can experience. It's not the heartache that's felt when you can't be with that person, or the frustration that come from trying to express it. It's not about cherishing old memories. It's not feeling alone. The hardest thing we can experience is being unsure of whether or not we are missed at all.

Impression, Passion, and Dependence

     I've changed. Within the past couple of years, I realized that I don't necessarily like somethings about myself. A lot of it was because I was inconsistent with certain traits, and later on I figured out the inconsistency was due to the fact that those "traits" weren't really a part of me to begin with. Things that are unnatural don't stick, because they require much more conscious effort to maintain.

     Let's go back to who I used to be: impressionable, not passionate, dependent on others. All pretty lacking in someway or another through my eyes; well now at least. Let's start with impressionable. I agree it's good to take in other's ideas and likes. Oh wait I don't agree with that. Do I??... Yeah that explains the past me pretty well. Not quite sure which thoughts are my own, and agreeing for the sake of likeliness or stability. It didn't get me anywhere, except create a mix of my friends and peers inside my own head. No room for myself. 

     In terms of passion, there was none. I didn't really care about much except watching tv shows and sleeping. Maybe it was because I was a high schooler, but nonetheless that doesn't mean passion is only found outside of it. Passion is found anywhere there's a place it can reside, and be constantly fueled. Tv and nonsense things, like laying in bed while watching Youtube videos, took too much room that passion couldn't fit. Don't get me wrong, I admired people who had a great fire for what they loved; but I couldn't do it. Although I guess that means I wasn't quite passionate about anything from the start. 

     Dependence. It's contrasting because I'd say I was always pretty independent; although this is more in relation with my family and responsibilities. When it came to fulfillment it definitely came from friends. I always needed to be around people so I wasn't "bored." If I was alone or at home for too long it would eat me up, and I would get restless. Maybe it was because I was an extrovert? But the answer is no. As much as I didn't know myself very well then, I still knew that wasn't the answer; although that would be a good excuse. It stemmed from me not being comfortable enough with myself to be alone. If I didn't talk or see friends I was sad and lonely. That's not extrovertedness, but insecurity. 

     Nonetheless, I'd like to say I've changed. Now I have actual opinions. I may be able to be swayed, but my thoughts have solidified (and keep doing so) over the years. This isn't to say that I'm not understanding of other people's views, but I don't necessarily adopt them myself as willingly. Although this can also come from the idea that as we grow older we change less and less in our views. That's simply psychology and human growth. Why do you think it's so hard to talk to adults about God, when they don't believe in Him? Anyways, yeah so I have things to yeah and nah about. With passion, I'm still trying to figure out what that exactly is. I'm doing new things, and spending more time with it to see if I like it. Well actually I know what I like; just trying to see what I love. I'm attempting to make Bible reading one of those things. Lastly, dependence. Especially since college started, I've been taking on more adult responsibilities like getting a job, paying for food and gas, and even grocery shopping. The last one is by far my favorite, and probably the easiest. Although besides that, I'm much more comfortable being by myself now, and I know it's because I started to pursue God more intentionally. He's been helping me see the beauty in spending quality time with Him, which requires just myself. Doing this more often means more alone time, and more alone time leads to comfort, and comfort grows into peace. From this you may think that meant I became independent, but that's not necessarily true. Maybe doing things on my own has become easier, but with God I simply turned my dependence from others onto Him; He who can actually fulfill me.