Converted.

Not in faith, but in platform.

Unless I return, find my thoughts here: http://janeyangblogs.tumblr.com/

Day 8

     I've been well. Still overwhelmed trying to figure how I fit into this entire picture, but hopeful.

     I've been job searching almost everyday since we've gotten here, and I think it's by far been the hardest thing for me. Well,  now I don't think it was that hard, but looking back it did require a lot of persistence and perseverance. I think myself, and others included, have been to over 40 places to see if they were hiring. A lot. Many were lost causes and gave us false hope. Although even with those no's, I think it was harder seeing other people get jobs before us and rejoicing in their victory. Don't get me wrong, I'm incredibly happy for them especially because I know how hard it can be, but with that in mind those without jobs begin to feel as if there's a greater time pressure on us. 

     I did get a job though. It's a glorious job at the local Bed Bath and Beyond. And when I say glorious I mean it in it's entirety. I feel so so blessed to have gotten the opportunity, and I'll be working with a few friends I've made, Jenny and Tim, which will make the job even better. I've never felt so happy to be hired. PRAISE THE LORD.

     I've been standing in the background a bit. Coming here I expected to be a social butterfly, but ended up being more of a wallflower. I don't mind it. If anything I feel comfortable, but I still have that feeling inside of me telling me to take more advantage of the time and people here. I know I will, but it'll be in a timely fashion. I think that the time I've been spending alone or one on one with others have been in hopes of figuring out myself better. I brought heavy baggage here, and I'm trying to unload it with solitude and intimacy. Solitude as in time with myself and God, and intimacy with others who I feel can speak truth into my life. 

     I'm praying and praying for my experience here to be fruitful. I know the beginning isn't what I anticipated, which is why I seem to think I'm having a harder time adjusting. But I know God moves in glorious ways so I have faith. 

   

Technically Day 2

For my friends, family, and those interested in my life.

     We got here yesterday around 5, and it was quite overwhelming. There were so many people I didn't know, a great number of unknown facts, and confusion that I was fairly stressed out inside. To say the least my first impression was absolute chaos. I was tired, even though all I did was sit in a car for the day, and I didn't know what to do once I got there. 

     It wasn't a terrible experience like I'm describing. I simply was, and still slightly am, overwhelmed as well as mixed with worry about the rest of support I have to raise, and also finding a job. Finding a job is hard. Today I spent a good few hours with some friends trying to find places that are hiring; not much prevailed. But I'm still hopeful. 

     I think my favorite thing so far has been meeting new people; especially those of my action group. An action group is similar to a small group by the way. There's Christine who I already know, and then three other girls including our group leader. I really like all of them, and they're such sweet, nice girls I feel lucky to have them in our group. Although besides those girls I've also met those living in my apartment and they've been pretty welcoming towards me. This morning we all got to eat breakfast together, the six of us, and it felt nice. Something about making and eating breakfast together, is so comforting and warm. 

     I'll update more as time goes on. I'm trying not to let these updates, in whatever medium posted, to take much time out of my experience here. Also the creative process seems to take ages for me to finally be satisfied with my work. 

     Pray for me. The long period here makes me miss home more than usual. 

"You Can't."

     You can interpret words and construe them into what you want to hear. It's similar to the idea of selective listening, but in this case some interpretation is required.

     I'd like to say that in my life I've had a good handful of supportive people who's guided me through tough times, encouraged me when I thought I was reaching too high, and assured me that I would be succeed. Those people I thank. Maybe not verbally and personally as I should've, but in my mind they hold high value due to the role they played; even when I didn't know I necessarily needed them at the time. 

     There are also a handful of people who didn't believe in me. Maybe it wasn't explicit, but it was implied. This is where the idea of interpretation, which I mentioned earlier, comes into play. Quite frankly, people don't need to be brutally honest for you to know they don't believe in you. The simplest moment of silence, or less than a second micro expression will show you what they really think of your ambition. People lie through their teeth, and that's why nonverbal cues are incredibly important when it comes to this. That is if you notice them at all. 

     I wouldn't say that these explicit or hidden messages, that spell out lack of faith, bother me personally per say. People will believe what they believe without knowing much and judge quickly. Others will know a lot and still undermine you, coming up with their own opinion. All of which is formed through their personal collection of values and perspectives gathered over time and experience. People differ. Although what I believe actually hurts us the most, maybe not all but many, is being perceived as a fool or naive in the eyes of someone who means more to us than the average human being. 

     Family, friends. Those are usually the ones that come to mind. And it hurts like hell like the song "Even When It Hurts" (Hillsong United) may say. It hurts because we have a grand expectation for them to possess big, aspiring hopes for us, and especially support us. Maybe this idea is highly commercialized, but our friends and family are "supposed to believe in us!" Sadly this isn't always true. 

     There have been many people who have told me to be realistic. Although the word realistic is relative, or if one (me) could even say novel, to each human being on this planet. Being realistic is also quite frankly being naive in someways rather than smart. And because of this, I indeed find it humorous how some use the word "naive" to combat ambition and risks, when if fact they are being naive themselves. True naivety is disregarding good opportunities and ways of stretching yourself. Even God desires us to take a leaps of faith for Him in hopes of spiritual growth. Something I attempt my best at.

     Being told "you're not going to make it," or "it's unlikely" is only spoken by someone who truly doesn't believe in you. Well that's also not true. People lie all the time. Yes I like to contradict myself for emphasis; although this oftentimes leads to confusion. Anyways, we tend to believe in this truth because why would someone lie and put these thoughts into my head? To hurt me? Of course not. If so, cognitive dissonance would take place, and that's when you start questioning the entire human existence. Therefore the proper realization doesn't enter our minds, and so we process everything heard as truth; truth to the one who said it that is. And the "truth" that is spoken is essentially "No." Here is what I have to say about that: People will discredit and push doubt into your head for many reasons. In terms of those people I mentioned earlier that lie through their teeth, they may really think you're incapable; or they may not want you to succeed. Their reasoning is only known to them. Family and friends. That one's hard, because they hold your respect and love. So you rationalize that they discredit your potential due to reasons of care or protection. Those are good intentions, and I'm not saying disregard those possible reasons, but...

     We, you, I deserve to strive. Higher than we can see, and bigger than we can imagine. Even with my summer mission trip, coming up in a few days, I've been told to plan for failure. To figure out how I'm going to get back early, because I haven't met my support amount yet. To speak as if I'm not going to make it. Sadly those words came out of mouths that were a part of people I dearly care for. And it's not that I twisted these words to possibly insinuate blame on another or become a victim. It's because, like I've been saying this whole time, it doesn't take an expert to witness someone saying "you can't." It infuriates me. But what I realized is that sacrificing time to ponder only stirs up dark, derailing thoughts in my own head. A lot.

     We can all blame someone's disbelief for our own possible shortcomings, but in the end those are just words. And "possible" is another relative term, simply due to the existence of God. Like we all have heard, with Him all things are possible (truth). There's no sense in weighing the pros and cons and trying to figure out what's most likely going to occur. But now I'm going on another tangent. so here's my full circle: Your real dictation of failure will not come at the precise moment you believe words of denial as truth, as you presumably expected me to say. It's not the underling "you can'ts," blatant remarks, or unwanted protection from family and friends that will declare your defeat. True foolish and naive defeat comes at the moment you deny God's potential, not your own.  

Over-affectionate? & Other Thoughts

     I have this problem of not being able to distinguish whether I'm smothering someone or being thoughtful.

     I want to do a lot for people: my close friends, boyfriend, friends in general (this usually isn't a problem with my family). I care about a lot of people; well many and little at the same time, it's hard to explain. But for those people I genuinely care for,  I want to express my love for them. I like to do this with surprises or thoughtful gestures (but it's not the only way). In reference to love languages, I would say this falls under gift giving; although I learned that the way we like to receive love and express love are different. Like I was getting at earlier, I like to express love by gift giving. On the flip side, I feel loved the most with quality time. 

     Gift giving is something I really like to do, but also find myself conflicted with at the same time. The reason why I like to do it is because it's a way to show someone you're thinking about them even when you're not together. It doesn't always have to be a big gesture either. To me I think the most significant factor that expresses love in gift giving, is the unexpected timing. I'd like to call it pleasant surprises. I love doing this, and I constantly come up with ideas on how I can do something for my friends, because I know if someone else did it for me I would appreciate it. But with this comes conflict. I want to do so much, and oftentimes too much in my head, that I end up doing nothing. Or in other cases I do it, but then feel over-affectionate. I feel like I'm doing way too much for no real good reason. I don't want to seem clingy or weird! That's why I struggle. Although sometimes I end up doing xyz anyways, because I say "what they heck they'll probably appreciate it one way or another."

     Lately I've learned that not everyone feels loved when they receive gifts/surprises/etc. To me that was a little hard to wrap my head around, but I can understand it now. I would be a good representation. As much as I like gifts, I love good old quality time the most. It makes me feel valued and close to whomever I'm spending it with. But quality time doesn't mean long periods together. It means intention and undivided attention. The absolute best. 

     Loving on people can be hard, and especially figuring how to love them the best way is too.  

     

Missing You

     Missing someone: it's a feeling that can't be understood by anyone else, and only fixed with one solution. Maybe it's usually found within romantic relationships, but it can reside in other ones as well.

     The actual feeling's intense. It's longing driven by passion. All you want is to be with blank person, but for some reason you can't. Distance, pride, busyness; anything can really separate you. You may ease the pain by imagining yourself being with them, or you reminisce of good memory you've had. The past is your best friend, because it's all you have. It may bring peace, but it's only temporary. 

     It's frustrating because there's little you can do when you miss someone. That's what'll create the most pain. In this day and age you may send a text, snap, fb message to put you on their mind. In other cases you create coincidental interactions, or if you're bold enough even call. They're ways you let them know you're thinking of them. And those means (indirect communication) is a way to talk to them without talking to them; although it's more so to relax your own uneasiness. Nonetheless, whether they know what you're doing or not, to you these are subtle gestures to make sure they don't completely forget about you. Or even worse, get used to being without you. So any contact is good enough when you reach the point of longing for another person. Therefore you try to do every little thing you can to say you miss them without using honest words. Because honest words means you have to be fearless, and fearlessness require vulnerability. You're secretly hoping that these gestures remind them of you. Maybe they'll show you just how much you're missed as well. 

     Distance is separating; it takes too much time and effort. Pride is necessary; vulnerability means weakness. Life is busy; things need to get done and well. Although does making time for someone you really care about that hard? Even in those circumstances? Yes. As much as I want to say no, I've learned that's not the case. If it was that easy, missing each other would be a minor task... but I know you can always make more effort. It's not a matter of if you're trying, but how hard are you.  

      Although what I've learned is that missing someone isn't the most painful thing we can experience. It's not the heartache that's felt when you can't be with that person, or the frustration that come from trying to express it. It's not about cherishing old memories. It's not feeling alone. The hardest thing we can experience is being unsure of whether or not we are missed at all.

Impression, Passion, and Dependence

     I've changed. Within the past couple of years, I realized that I don't necessarily like somethings about myself. A lot of it was because I was inconsistent with certain traits, and later on I figured out the inconsistency was due to the fact that those "traits" weren't really a part of me to begin with. Things that are unnatural don't stick, because they require much more conscious effort to maintain.

     Let's go back to who I used to be: impressionable, not passionate, dependent on others. All pretty lacking in someway or another through my eyes; well now at least. Let's start with impressionable. I agree it's good to take in other's ideas and likes. Oh wait I don't agree with that. Do I??... Yeah that explains the past me pretty well. Not quite sure which thoughts are my own, and agreeing for the sake of likeliness or stability. It didn't get me anywhere, except create a mix of my friends and peers inside my own head. No room for myself. 

     In terms of passion, there was none. I didn't really care about much except watching tv shows and sleeping. Maybe it was because I was a high schooler, but nonetheless that doesn't mean passion is only found outside of it. Passion is found anywhere there's a place it can reside, and be constantly fueled. Tv and nonsense things, like laying in bed while watching Youtube videos, took too much room that passion couldn't fit. Don't get me wrong, I admired people who had a great fire for what they loved; but I couldn't do it. Although I guess that means I wasn't quite passionate about anything from the start. 

     Dependence. It's contrasting because I'd say I was always pretty independent; although this is more in relation with my family and responsibilities. When it came to fulfillment it definitely came from friends. I always needed to be around people so I wasn't "bored." If I was alone or at home for too long it would eat me up, and I would get restless. Maybe it was because I was an extrovert? But the answer is no. As much as I didn't know myself very well then, I still knew that wasn't the answer; although that would be a good excuse. It stemmed from me not being comfortable enough with myself to be alone. If I didn't talk or see friends I was sad and lonely. That's not extrovertedness, but insecurity. 

     Nonetheless, I'd like to say I've changed. Now I have actual opinions. I may be able to be swayed, but my thoughts have solidified (and keep doing so) over the years. This isn't to say that I'm not understanding of other people's views, but I don't necessarily adopt them myself as willingly. Although this can also come from the idea that as we grow older we change less and less in our views. That's simply psychology and human growth. Why do you think it's so hard to talk to adults about God, when they don't believe in Him? Anyways, yeah so I have things to yeah and nah about. With passion, I'm still trying to figure out what that exactly is. I'm doing new things, and spending more time with it to see if I like it. Well actually I know what I like; just trying to see what I love. I'm attempting to make Bible reading one of those things. Lastly, dependence. Especially since college started, I've been taking on more adult responsibilities like getting a job, paying for food and gas, and even grocery shopping. The last one is by far my favorite, and probably the easiest. Although besides that, I'm much more comfortable being by myself now, and I know it's because I started to pursue God more intentionally. He's been helping me see the beauty in spending quality time with Him, which requires just myself. Doing this more often means more alone time, and more alone time leads to comfort, and comfort grows into peace. From this you may think that meant I became independent, but that's not necessarily true. Maybe doing things on my own has become easier, but with God I simply turned my dependence from others onto Him; He who can actually fulfill me. 

Humility

"Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn, and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up."

(James 4: 8-10 NIV) 

     It's been heart aching. 

     I don't think that I've ever felt so alone, or felt so broken. It's scary. My insecurities are constantly on my mind. I'm crying out to God "please help me!," or "I need you;" but am I doing it because I know I am a sinner? Or because I want the pain to go away? 

     It's because my life was good. Too good to the point where I forgot what it meant to be humble. I knew what it was like to have all that I wanted, and so I became full of it. I had many friends, a good reputation, pleasing grades, and of all things a boyfriend(!). My confidence went up because I "had it all together." Maybe I didn't show it outwardly, but on the inside my heart was full of pride; and no appreciation was rightfully given to Him. 

     It's been a painful past couple of weeks to say the least. Frequently I found myself feeling quite small and empty. I would wake up feeling anxious and worried for no reason. Other times I was crying, because I couldn't help how I felt. My heart had never hurt so much-  I didn't tell anyone either. Not my close friends, family, or boyfriend. To me, this was between myself and my trust in God. Was He going to provide? How much did I trust in Him? Not enough... So I did everything I could think of to relieve my suffering. I found myself reading the Bible daily, constantly looking for answers. I listened to music hoping it would open my heart to Him. I journaled, praying I would finally understand the pain I was feeling. Not much prevailed. I fooled myself into thinking that those things worked, because I so desperately wanted them to. 

     The answers weren't where I wanted them to be. If they were, then reading the Bible, worshiping, and praying would be self serving; a means for our own gain. Except those acts aren't meant to ease our own pain, but to glorify Him. I feel guilty using those beautiful means to satisfy my own desires. 

     I've learned what it is to love the Lord in humility; or at least I like to believe so. When our own struggles seem too big, and we're desperately asking God for peace, it should be with a sincere heart; acknowledging our brokenness and humbling ourselves before Him in hopes of being lifted up. It's about submitting ourselves. I thought begging for contentment was what it took. If I pray, then God will answer me right? Yes and no. When we ask with wrong motives we don't receive, because we are hoping to spend it on our own pleasures (James 5:3). That's exactly what I was trying to do. And it's not that God was trying to keep me in a state of loneliness, but reveal to me what it really means to be broken and on my knees, calling on Him wholeheartedly. 

Disconnection

     The way you tell me to simply listen and not respond is something that will always test my patience. I desire so much to express what is my defense, but it's bias courtroom; and if words start to spill out of my mouth I'm sentenced. Dramatic comparison? Yeah I think so too.

     I've always longed to communicate my thoughts into words about how the years have made me felt. Frequently I was ignored. Maybe it was due to the craziness which is our lives, or it was simply your diminishing interest in my life. When it came to that I was reasonable, but things never really changed. You know there's a certain numbness that comes with consistency. Over time you grow callouses, which aren't able to remember what created itself in the first place. Unfortunate. 

     In the midst of the disconnection which is our relationship, I still remained understanding. That act became a callous too; frequently finding reasons why you or your acts were rational. Although I still believe you always were, because I see through your tough shell. The identity which desperately desires to be proud and successful. I always do appreciate your effort, although it may not prevail. 

     Sometimes I want to yell, and other times remain distant; but there's conviction that comes from God. For some reason I can't stay mad for more than an hour or so, because over the years He's shown me the gift of forgiveness and the contentment that comes with it.- 

     

1/11/16: A Great Goodbye

National Pencil

FRESH seafood 

It was a great day filled with nostalgia,

Renwick

traveling, and amazing seafood. I hadn't seen D'Erika for a week or so, because she went to Buffalo and Pennsylvania like a spontaneous hooligan. It was slightly bitter, but I always liked the way we understood that both of us had grown to make different friends, and have plans that don't always include each other. So as she went about her trip, I stayed home and met with friends/ did my own thing.- But yesterday was amazing. We decided to start her last day early, and spend it together till she had to leave for the airport. It didn't seem like D' had left at all, and things were the way it used to be. It was nice living in the past for a day. But even though I say that, I've also noticed how the both of us have matured and changed. Of course there are still some quirks about each other that remain, but there are also new additions. In D'Erika I see more seriousness and drive, which I think is simply God immensely working in her at college. That place seems to suit her perfectly... Anyways, I always thank God for bringing D' into my life a few years ago. Ever since then I can really see the love that is God, because D' resembled that. We're all created in the image of Him, and so we should always strive to maintain that resemblance wherever we go right? Yes; and that's what I saw in D'Erika. People teach you a lot, and I learned a lot from her. From crazy sleepovers, teenage heartbreaks, and burping in each others ears, one thing I'll always appreciate the most is how much she helped me grow in my faith. Yeah you'll always find more friends in life who'll be good company, but not many will help you mature in the most important way there is. 

Thanks again, and love you

1/2/16: Hiking

     One night I mentioned to Vincent that I wanted to go hiking and he took me up on it; he's like that. Vincent's really good at keeping tabs on what I say sometimes; I'm frequently surprised by him because of it. But anyways, he came up with the great idea to go hiking somewhere an hour or so away, and eat lunch on the top. He packed lunch for us and even made some hot chocolate which he kept in themos'. Dang those things really do work.

     The drive was going to be a while so I came up with a playlist. I named it cold climbing which was exactly what the hike was like once we got there. That playlist is by far my favorite one yet, because I found so many GREAT throwback songs and new recent ones. Also thanks Juliet for some of the songs. I remember a while ago I looked at a couple of your playlists on Spotify, and they were a great inspiration for that playlist. Don't know if  I've told you yet, but you've probably got the best taste of music out of everyone I know - So the drive there Vincent and I collectively shared some stories about our friends and family, made jokes, and listened to this glorious playlist.

     Honestly the climb up was pretty sucky for me. For some reason in my head I remembered hiking to be a mild task, but that day is wasn't. I couldn't really breathe like a normal person and kept stopping. It was pretty embarrassing, but sharing my fails wasn't that bad because I was still having fun talking to Vincent. Even after that experience I'd actually still love to go hiking again, because the view was absolutely breathtaking. That's the real reason I find hiking appealing; there's always something to admire, and the effort is worth it once you get to the top.

     On the top we ate lunch and drank some hot chocolate over nice conversations ranging from our friends, prayer requests, and resolutions; all good topics. Then we progressively made our way down to where our car was, and tried to look for some other places to venture off to. Or as Vincent would call them: "nooks and crannies." He likes to think of himself as an old man, and at that moment he reaffirmed himself. I found it absolutely hilarious.

     We actually did find a really nice spot with a rock that peaked off the edge a little bit. We were able to dangle our feet and enjoy the view. It was still cold, but not too bad to where it was unbearable. The both of us carried on with our conversations, and I asked him what dessert he would be if he could be one. He answered with coconut creme pie. It's pretty ironic cause he doesn't even like coconut! But apparently he had some pie a while ago and it was really really good. He also doesn't like pickles, twizzlers, and salt and vinegar chips; the holy of all food. I still don't know how we get along with that but it works out somehow.

     Later on we drove back and talked in the car for a while once we got home. Our nights always seem to end in late night car talk which I honestly love. I think I learn the most during them. That was the best one yet. Jamming to Christian music while talking about fun things we could do next time was a highlight; among other things too-

   

A New Trend

     I used to blog more about events that I shared with my friends and family and I miss that. Nowadays I seem to only write about random deep thoughts that favor my liking, and I deem worthy enough to talk about on this blog. But now that seems exclusive, and I should "broaden my horizons right?" Of course. So from now on I'm sure to include a little more about my memories rather than just my opinions. 

     Happy 2016 and God bless,